Help me revise my sonnet poem?

For class I have to write an Italian (Petrarchan) Sonnet with these standards:

ABBA ABBA CDCD EE rhyme scheme

syllables per line

lines: first introduce problem, last provide solution

my teacher didn’t say anything about iambic pentameter, so I don’t think that matters here.

I wrote this, but I know it’s awkward and needs revising.

Obesity is leading cause of death

Burger King, McDonalds, Wendy’s as well

Ordering apple sticks topped with carmel

Sodium, heart disease, you’re out of breath?

High blood pressure generates heart attacks

Type diabetes rise from fat gain

and you know what they say, no gain no pain

Arteries clogging from build-up of plaque

The things needed most are veggies and fruits

Exercise for a healthy lifesty’le

Get off the couch , put the TV on mute

Go for a run maybe even a mile

Eating fast food will take days from your life

That’s thy notion on obesity strife.

(T’is thy thoughts on the obesity strife.)

haven’t decided which to use for the last line ^ ^ ^ ^

and yeah, I know it’s ‘no pain no gain’. I was just making wordplay.

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  • Strange, this looks familiar…

    It reads like the work of several authors cobbled together.

  • my pal some advice, frequently my terrific artwork is available in – classes of in basic terms sitting there and writing. probably some punctuation blunders will ensue, probably some rewording yet in all if i bypass changing a robust form of the kind the poem will become susceptible. Now back on your sonnets i does now no longer replace a element. great artwork.

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