Little girl in red: Improvements? And tighten ending?

So tender and warm as it lays in your arms,

A smile of innocence yet to be lost,

She bites on your finger, holds onto your hand,

Beautiful as she goes to sleep in her crimsoned cot.

Her pleated red skirt still vivid in your mind,

As she lines up for her first day of new life,

The basics not lost on her, she devours the knowledge.

Something that will later help plunge the knife.

Forever fighting, mum’s last breath drawn,

With nowhere to turn – girl in red’s all alone.

Her dad too immature to take care of his flesh,

Struggling grandfather took her in on his own.

This little girl, slowly growing into her shoes,

Fulfilling her potential ever more each passing sun,

Her grandfather, a hope to her still budding life,

A story of passion only just begun.

He watched her grow up, as she watched him grow weak,

His time to be a true angel drawing near.

Lying there on his bed on a still afternoon,

‘I love you.’ His last words into her ear.

Salt water of emotion drenching her face,

Alone once more fighting the tide,

Her red coat in tatters, weathered like her soul,

Still standing strong, harboring his pride.

Flower petals now dead on his grave,

The red velvet slowly fading to brown,

Her life so empty without her angel,

She lay her body on the ground.

Barely an adult, still innocence yet to be lost,

She bit on her finger, and held her own hand,

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She lay by his grave and put her soul at rest.

Covered in her flowers, Eventually turning to sand.

Little girl in red ever so young,

Just gave her life away.

Little girl in red ever so tough,

Did it all out of love.

✅ Answers

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  • The “it” in the first line is unhelpful, as I was wondering “what exactly – a puppy?”

    The threat of “plunging the knife” is not fulfilled, is it?

    “A story of passion only just begun” is unfortunate, as there is no question of the Heroine’s falling in love with her Grandfather, not in that way.

    “He watched her grow up, as she watched him grow weak” – I loved that balanced image.

    I read recently that Angels have never incarnated, therefore the Grandfather and Heroine would never become angels, which is a bit trite anyway.

    I would keep the cast of characters in the family until the end, before introducing the “you” for greater impact. This would help to universalise the pay-off.

    Otherwise this is a fine poem, which just needs a few tweaks.

  • Mimi

    I like very much. You can write. Hey, I have to do something

    else but will be back. If you can wait, I jotted down some notes

    on how to improve your already good poem, and of course, you

    can take them or leave them, that is all that critiquing is about,

    just offering a fellow poet their perspective.

    I love the storyline, and rhyme pattern, but there are gaps in that

    as well as some of the sentencing, but nothing that cannot be

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    fixed on what I view as an outstanding re-post at a later date.

    Congrats

    ____________________________________________________________

    Mimi: Okay, am back. BTW: see that TD…I have a little, witto fwend dat

    fowwows me around on every ansow and gives me a TD. So sweet. Hi litto

    TD….thank you sweetie pie.

    Anyway, your poem, will try to keep it simple. Have you read it out loud yet.

    I just did. Most of your sentences the flow and meter (at least syllable count)

    is between -…..these lines are pretty fluid, even powerful and give this poem

    strength. The others, when you get to syllables or as little as six, is like

    throwing a wrench in the poem.

    Not saying this poem is not good. It is very good, but I hope you can edit this

    and re-post it. Would love to see it improve. The content is strong.

    In fact, S about the girls Dad I think was underplayed. This man deserved a

    flogging, if I am not mistaken, there was abuse, and thank God for Grandfather.

    S, L the last word does not fit the flow of the stanza, something like:

    “Beautiful she sleeps in her crimson embossed” not sure, but at least

    is fit the rhyme pattern. You can do better.

    Congrats

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