Little girl in red: Improvements? And tighten ending?

So tender and warm as it lays in your arms,

A smile of innocence yet to be lost,

She bites on your finger, holds onto your hand,

Beautiful as she goes to sleep in her crimsoned cot.

Her pleated red skirt still vivid in your mind,

As she lines up for her first day of new life,

The basics not lost on her, she devours the knowledge.

Something that will later help plunge the knife.

Forever fighting, mum’s last breath drawn,

With nowhere to turn – girl in red’s all alone.

Her dad too immature to take care of his flesh,

Struggling grandfather took her in on his own.

This little girl, slowly growing into her shoes,

Fulfilling her potential ever more each passing sun,

Her grandfather, a hope to her still budding life,

A story of passion only just begun.

He watched her grow up, as she watched him grow weak,

His time to be a true angel drawing near.

Lying there on his bed on a still afternoon,

‘I love you.’ His last words into her ear.

Salt water of emotion drenching her face,

Alone once more fighting the tide,

Her red coat in tatters, weathered like her soul,

Still standing strong, harboring his pride.

Flower petals now dead on his grave,

The red velvet slowly fading to brown,

Her life so empty without her angel,

She lay her body on the ground.

Barely an adult, still innocence yet to be lost,

She bit on her finger, and held her own hand,

She lay by his grave and put her soul at rest.

Covered in her flowers, Eventually turning to sand.

Little girl in red ever so young,

Just gave her life away.

Little girl in red ever so tough,

Did it all out of love.

✅ Answers

? Favorite Answer

  • The “it” in the first line is unhelpful, as I was wondering “what exactly – a puppy?”

    The threat of “plunging the knife” is not fulfilled, is it?

    “A story of passion only just begun” is unfortunate, as there is no question of the Heroine’s falling in love with her Grandfather, not in that way.

    See also  I don't know how to analyze this poem? please can someone help? happiness by Maryam kazmi?

    “He watched her grow up, as she watched him grow weak” – I loved that balanced image.

    I read recently that Angels have never incarnated, therefore the Grandfather and Heroine would never become angels, which is a bit trite anyway.

    I would keep the cast of characters in the family until the end, before introducing the “you” for greater impact. This would help to universalise the pay-off.

    Otherwise this is a fine poem, which just needs a few tweaks.

  • Mimi

    I like very much. You can write. Hey, I have to do something

    else but will be back. If you can wait, I jotted down some notes

    on how to improve your already good poem, and of course, you

    can take them or leave them, that is all that critiquing is about,

    just offering a fellow poet their perspective.

    I love the storyline, and rhyme pattern, but there are gaps in that

    as well as some of the sentencing, but nothing that cannot be

    fixed on what I view as an outstanding re-post at a later date.

    Congrats

    ____________________________________________________________

    Mimi: Okay, am back. BTW: see that TD…I have a little, witto fwend dat

    fowwows me around on every ansow and gives me a TD. So sweet. Hi litto

    TD….thank you sweetie pie.

    Anyway, your poem, will try to keep it simple. Have you read it out loud yet.

    I just did. Most of your sentences the flow and meter (at least syllable count)

    is between -…..these lines are pretty fluid, even powerful and give this poem

    strength. The others, when you get to syllables or as little as six, is like

    throwing a wrench in the poem.

    Not saying this poem is not good. It is very good, but I hope you can edit this

    and re-post it. Would love to see it improve. The content is strong.

    In fact, S about the girls Dad I think was underplayed. This man deserved a

    flogging, if I am not mistaken, there was abuse, and thank God for Grandfather.

    S, L the last word does not fit the flow of the stanza, something like:

    See also  Spanish speakers! does this corrido have a message or messages?

    “Beautiful she sleeps in her crimson embossed” not sure, but at least

    is fit the rhyme pattern. You can do better.

    Congrats

    ______________________________________________________________________

  • Other Related Questions

    WhAt ShOuLd I nAmE mY cHaRaCtErS?

    Answers Favorite AnswerNaming a character should feel like a parent naming their children. You wouldn't give that task to anyone else (least of all strangers). I'm guessing you don't feel that strongly about your story.. Jane Jennings. Mr. Wang. Bill Harting. Landon . Rachel . Charlie Lincoln. Ethan. Jane Jones, Jissle, Jankles, Jeels, Joles, Jamago,James. (I made all of these, other than Jones & James, up xD). Mr. Barker, Mr. James, Mr. Hudson, Mr. Lang.. Reg, Benson, Jacob, Kane.. Daniel, Sam, Aaron, Cameron, Justin.. Belle, Wella, Susie, Anne.. Cameron, Justin, Ben, Nathan, John, Jonathan.. Harold, Ken, Quinn, Samuel, Dan, Brad. Hope I helped! I do know I re-used the names, sorry they just fit with the description. :)Source(s): My brain.

    Whether attitude depends life experience or your life experience constitutes your attitude ?

    Answers Favorite AnswerGood question. Attitude is the base. Attitude helps in engaging in action, which builds experience, experience in turn enriches the basic attitude and people become more experience and so on.Life experiences form the person you are today of which your attitude is a reflection. Life experience is good and bad meaning your attitude can reflection of specific recent or recurring events. Both to your question because attitude depends on also how you deal with random events that occur.I think, Natural Attitude,Taking the Coaching with the Experiences, and Dancing Accordingly, with the Changing STEPS, with the Better Dance or with the Worst Dance Steps, Depending on the Personal Attitude of the Understanding of the DANCES.Attitude comes down to thinking and belief choices Balaji.Good Luck.Best Wishes.Mars Mission Soon In A Galaxy Near Yours..Source(s):Studies..Sure it can. I could handiest feel down for a whilst, but after the clouds are cleared, i'll proceed my existence as natural. I no longer dwell in the past dangerous expertise, as an alternative be taught from it. The sector is giant, so why stay at that one factor and not moving on. I is also equipped to experience something quality.It is like asking "what was first, Read more

    See also  What to write in letter to crush?
    Which is the more important legacy for Classical Athens, the democracy or philosophy?

    Which is the more important legacy for Classical Athens, the democracy or philosophy? Why? Which legacy had the greatest influence on western culture?Democracy by far. Nowadays everybody favors democracy it seems (save a tiny but growing minority of enlightened people) but few even heard of Plato, Aristotle etc.Its democracy made an impact on the Western Culture. Its values and philosophy of Plato and Aristotle had influenced the world and particularly the theory of democracy.Favorite AnswerDemocracy by far. Nowadays everybody favors democracy it seems (save a tiny but growing minority of enlightened people) but few even heard of Plato, Aristotle etc.Its democracy made an impact on the Western Culture. Its values and philosophy of Plato and Aristotle had influenced the world and particularly the theory of democracy.

    Would you please give me your opinion of which words should end this chapter?

    conversation-type novel: This may seem weird, not knowing what was previously written.Dear Wayne, Interesting launch for a Vietnam story. No ambushed patrol or shoot 'em up. Just that odd sign, the Kraits, and the black pajama boys to get out attention, then I was there; this is my story. You have my vote. I'll read on. Signed, Jerry PetersonDear Wayne, Okay the snakes and the prophetic sign gave me a serious case of the heebie-jeebies. You get my vote for most powerful images. - signed, Jennifer HDear Jennifer, Highway traffic gives me the heebie-jeebies. Do you catch my drift? Snakes, leeches, scorpions, and enemies that rustle the leaves- they all have a degree of logic, or a conscience of sorts, and they, whether they intend to or not, they give us early warning signs. -But those of you who drive on the highways are the bravest people on Earth. Why? You face dangers on a daily bases, more than just days of your life - which was my tour in Vietnam. And you face those highway dangers, knowing full well, there are no early warning signs. When a tire blows-out on the highway or a truck driver goes to sleep Read more

    Leave a Comment