Hello
I have a mild form of autism and I have had had obsession attachments to things; but when I talk about obsessional attachments, I am not talking about aversions to things but attachments to things.
There would be things that I would really want to happen to me, and this would lead to an obsessive attachment.
These attachments were usually things like wanting to be cartoon characters, or to have certain types of unusual clothing. This was something that could get very intense on many occasions, maybe to the point were it may have bordered on mental illness.
The emotion that I would feel when it comes to that wanting, it is so extremely difficult to put into words, that I have struggled for years to think of a way to describe it. But here I shall try once again.
It is like a longing, and produces a feeling in my belly (sort of like a sick like feeling with no nausea); such a bell affect, I have seen evidence can be also brought on by stress. Though I definitely think calling it stress in this case is totally inappropriate.
I want to liken it to way I have felt jealousy, when I have been known to feel it; because that also produces that feeling in my belly. But obviously, even though it is the same ‘feeling’ that I feel; it hardly makes too much sense to say that I envy a cartoon character, because they don’t exist.
Well on about all occasions I have never managed to get any of my obsessional desires to come true; with the exception of one case.
This result of getting what I wanted, it was even more bizarre indeed.
I started to get obsessed by the idea of becoming a school prefect, and it caught my attention for about 18 months or so; and then a class of children started to do a vote that I took part it (to nominate who was to be the prefect), and it was to be me. So I got what I wanted, well not quite.
You see reacted weirdly to this, and went extremely shy and embarrassed indeed; it seemed as though people knew I had this obsessional though, but there wasn’t a way for them to know this because I never let anyone know this. My mind way playing tricks on me, by producing this overwhelming sense of extreme embarrassment; as it was as if I was going to be granted a sexual pleasure to enjoy in front of a huge crowd of people. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I couldn’t face the extreme embarrassment, and I couldn’t be this prefect (though after I wouldn’t do it, I regretted it and kicked myself for being so utterly stupid).
Because of my reaction, all the kids in the room and the teacher were angry with me; I didn’t understand why, they started to try and force me to take this prefect position. Of course, this made the embarrassment 5 times worse; it was like my mind was telling me that they were trying to force me into being embarrassed because they knew my little secret.
Obviously they had no such knowledge or agenda, though I still don’t know why they were angry.
It gets more interesting that this because, jealously if that is what it is; it is not functioning in a way one would expect it to.
When I wanted something that I couldn’t have it would produce this so called ‘jealously’. But also if there was an form of injustice, this would also trigger this emotion off as well.
It is incredible, I walked 50 miles for charity to children going through abuse because of this emotion and raised over £300ish; and it is also partly because I have extreme sensitivity to the way people feel (you can say that I am extremely caring I am); but without this special emotion that I described, I would have failed to finish the 50 mile trek (which took 24 hours to walk). I have a great hate of the fact that parents hit their kids when they are naughty and I fight to try and bet people to stop hitting their kids; I have an extreme dislike of child abuse.
I also risked my life to save a child’s life, when I was a child myself; because the people looking after that child who was in danger of jumping off the mountain cliffs, were neglecting him.
I know that this emotion’s momentum cannot be dissuaded by even the threat of death.
I have had researched this strange phenomena of an emotion to try and understand it, even scientifically; I came across an article by a university of philosophy in California that says that envy may provoke acts for promotion of justice, and I have seen evidence that it is to do with sense of unfairness that envy and jealousy produces (like a child who is jealous of his sisters present because it is bigger than theirs and they shout “It’s not fair”).
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Is there anyway you can edit this “book” into a few smaller accounts of your problems. People are not going to want to take the time to read your life story.