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Just an idea! Read and tell me if good!

Aria is a sixteen year old living in Obresiona, an ideal world that rose up from the Rebellion. Every year, all sixteen year olds are invited to a ceremony where the Chancellor and Senators inform them of their job. Most people work in Obresiona with typical, simple professions. Others are sent to Desmonium, a isolated city up north to train to be the Chancellor’s army. They are brutally tortured and many do not make it. Aria’s brother, Ren, is a warrior in training. He often writes to her in code to tell her about the horrible conditions.

During the ceremony, Aria and her best friend Landon are lucky. They get simple jobs as a seamstress and doctor. But, Aria’s friend Layla isn’t so lucky. She is the only young adult to be chosen to go up to Desmonium. Layla is a frail, shy little sixteen year old. Aria knows Layla will not make it up in the camps, based on the information from her brother. Aria and Landon decide they have to save Layla. They escape Obresiona and enter into a strange world they do not know. They struggle to survive and finally make it to Desmonium. The conditions are horrible and Layla is starving. She has broken bones and is dying. Landon prepares to leave, but Aria needs to see her brother. Ren is recovering from an operation that takes over his mind and makes him obedient to he Chancellor. He sees Aria and tries to kill her. Aria realizes what the society she lives in is doing. She decides that the Chancellor shouldn’t rule anymore. Once Aria, Landon, and Layla return back to Obresiona, Aria quits doing her job. She is threatened by the Chancellor, but she counters, saying if he hurts her, he would look bad. The Chancellor keeps his eye on Aria, but she, with Landon’s help, is already getting her peers to quit their jobs and start a rebellion against the oppressive government.

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  • I really like some parts of it, and some parts of it just seem ripped from the pages of Hunger Games.

    First of all, why would they choose Layla to be some great warrior when she’s clearly terrible at it? How do they pick these jobs? Are they just completely random, or is it like in The Giver where you’re given the job you’re best at?

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    Why would the Chancellor care if he looks bad? He’s the Chancellor, he doesn’t need to worry. Also, he’s apparently ok with people knowing he tortures and kills recruits, so that doesn’t seem quite right. ALSO also, how are people going to know that he hurt her? If it’s one of those societies (and it sounds like it is) where people who go against the government just disappear in the night, no one’s going to be surprised. Also also also, why would he look bad? She rebelled. If it seems to be the perfect society, then the people who are happy and comfortable wouldn’t be too worked up about it.

    And I would say nix the whole rebellion against the government idea – it’s just too close to the Hunger Games.

    There are always ways to do it without staging a rebellion. (starting their own society, they end up dying and this reveals the cracks in the system which then starts to collapse, etc).

    Anyway, it looks like a good start, but keep working.

    Source(s): Creative Writing Major

  • That was really good, and super interesting! I hope that’s not the end though… that would be quite the cliffhanger (are you at least making a sequel). I would so totally read it. I reminds me a bit of the Barcode Tattoo (by Suzanne Weyn) simply because of the whole rebellion thing, but other than that’s it really original, and great. Just get it published before others steal it! Also, the names are a little confusing (Landon, Layla…) but that’s only for some people. It sounds good to me, but I know some who would read it wrong. You can change Landon to Hayden, Kaden, Collin, etc. I like the name Layla though.

    Great job!

    Good luck and happy writing! 😉

    Source(s): FLYINGFISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!XD

  • It’s a great story! I’ve been making books myself using paper and a stapler… You should write what comes next, it’s so interesting and full of Life! You should become an author of books,your ideawas great and curious… First look and I kept reading on and on. I even red it another time before I answered. So I’m telling you it’s great!

  • A wealthy female alice yet another wealthy female alicia A wealthy Dad/Husband brad yet another wealthy Dad/Husband william or bryan A wealthy mom/spouse janice yet another wealthy mom/spouse angela An Indian female in Poverty Aniqua (an-ee-qu-uh) An Indian mom/spouse in Poverty letiy (enable-ee) An Indian Dad/Husband in Poverty bradie (bra-dee) i’m hoping this helped! id cost your tale a out of cuz it in simple terms doesnt seen like notwithstanding that id learn. nicely sturdy fortune!

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  • This is like Hunger Games mixed with the Holocaust

  • That’s really good! Just make it a little more original. I’ve read plenty of books like that, as long as you twist things up it’s great.

  • its good just don’t like the part where she counters saying he will look bad why would he care it just seems thrown in there

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