Could someone review the opening to my story?

I know it’s incomplete, but what do you think of it so far?

Only stupid kids like him made messes that could have been avoided; only stupid kids fall and cut their head reaching for their dinner.

Jay ran to his dad with a crimson-stained towel pushed against his forehead. He was more concerned with dripping on the floor than the gash over his eye. His dad was face down on the couch, sick. Jay knew better than to aggravate his dad when he was sick; he was reluctant to wake him up, but the blood just wouldn’t stop. The tears forming in his eyes weren’t from the pain; Jay was tough for his age, his father made sure of it. They were out of fear of the beast he was about to awaken.

“Dad..” He nudged his father’s arm. Nothing. He pushed harder. “Daddy I need you. Please get up, I hurt my head.” The more the blood seeped from Jay’s head, the more desperate his pleas became. He grabbed his arm and pulled, nearly sitting on the floor. His dad was like an anchor when he was sick. Tommy stirred.

“Huh? The hell’s wrong with you?” Tommy raised his hand over his eyes and squinted in the light. Jay’s heart sunk farther and farther into his stomach as he explained what was so urgent to wake him father.

“ I.. I was reaching for some soup. And-“He choked down vomit. “I stood up on the counter to get some soup from the top shelf…I was hungry and wanted to make my own dinner. But I fell and hit my head on the floor.” He looked in his father’s eyes to gauge how much trouble he was in, nothing. “I’m real sorry daddy, I didn’t wanna wake you, so I tried to make dinner for myself.”

Jay saw the switch flip in his father. He wasn’t groggy anymore. The cloudiness in his eyes turned to the smoke before the fire in them. He sat up.

“You little bastard! Can’t you do one thing without screwing it up and waking me up? I bet you dripped it all over the floor didn’t you, you little ****?” He stood up to look down the hall and confirm his assumption. He grabbed Jay by the back of the neck and led him toward the bathroom. “You know who does that? A dumbass. You wanna be a dumbass your whole life? Keep it up.” Tommy opened up the bathroom door and threw him in, slammed the door behind him. He pounded on the door once. “Now you clean that cut up! And don’t even think about touching that doorknob until it stops bleeding all over my god damn floor, understood?” Jay didn’t answer. Tommy pounded the door again. “Do you understand me?!”

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“Yes dad.” Jay flinched even though there was a locked door between them. He heard his dad retreat half-way down the hall and return to the door.

“And then you can come out here and scrub this damn carpet too!”

“Yes dad.” That was the only thing Jay could say to his father, anything else was being defiant. Tommy didn’t tolerate defiance from his only son.

Jay was no stranger to cleaning up wounds; Tommy always fell down when he was sick. He examined himself in the mirror. He was short but strongly built for his age. He had reddish-brown hair and green eyes. He was a spitting image of his father. But he’d never be like him. He’d never get sick; he’d never strike terror into the hearts of the people around him.

Jay cracked the door an inch and peeked out into the dark hallway. He raised his hand to his head to make sure the gauze pad taped to his cut had no blood leaking from it. It was safe to leave bathroom. He carried a rag and cleaning spray out into the living room and began scrubbing the blood stains out of the beige carpet. Tommy knew he was there; he didn’t care. Chastising him wasn’t his main concern anymore. He wrapped a rubber strap around his arm, smacked it a few times, put the needle in.

Jay’s stomach twisted up so much he thought he’d throw up. He knew in about twenty minutes, Tommy would be sick again. He’d be staggering around the house, laughing and talking to things Jay didn’t see. He sit on the couch and go limp, lazy smile on his face, haze in his eyes.

✅ Answers

? Favorite Answer

  • Very good! But:

    – Try to work on not having run-on sentences.

    – Include more character dteails

    – Try to add the character’s feeling, not only physical aspects.

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    Besides that, it’s very well-written!

    Source(s): Sorry of Im harsh! I want you to do the best you can!

  • it quite is particularly nicely. i’m able to image what is going on and the coolest purchase, although you would be a greater descriptive approximately our surroundings, what does the coolest purchase appear like, and so on.. basically question I even have is what the story is surely approximately. The little boy’s attempt against to leave or something? (I comprehend it particularly is basically the hollow, although I prefer to attraction to close..)

  • Amazing 😀 My spidy senses are tingling!

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