I adopted my daughter at birth and have been putting off telling her (dont know why..scared I guess of throwing a wrench in her life). I know NOW is the time to tell her. I am just having trouble how to bring it up. Here’s a little history. I adopted her from my brother and his wife at birth. They have other children, one of which is her twin brother. There will be alot of people involved here. My responsibility is to my baby girl, (sad I waited so long)….please any advice will be appreciated
sorry i posted this a few times but it took me a while to find this catagory
You said: “I adopted her from my brother and his wife at birth. They have other children, one of which is her twin brother”.
At years old I think she should be told exactly that and hopefully in attendance and full support of your brother’s family. The other children should be involved as well.
She most likely will go through a range of emotions and will need the support of the entire family.
eta: I also agree with others that she should have been told long ago. Waiting till now makes this much more difficult for everyone involved.
I’m an adopted child who was not told until I was about – years old. As your child is I feel that she will have a pretty good understanding of the situation and it should be explained as others had said with family present. When I was told I had about a week of mixed confused feelings but soon after that I really never thought about it negatively because I was surrounded by such loving people. I think you need to create a loving environment that encourages her to ask questions. Do not wait until the teen years as that is a difficult time as is.
Good luck :). It is clear that you feel really badly about the situation, but do know that sometimes telling a child when they finally can grasp the situation fully (-) is best (depends on the emotional maturity of the child).
You really should have told her years ago. Its possible she could take this very poorly even more knowing she has a twin brother and other siblings that were kept and for whatever reason she was not. I am going to guess for financially reasons but I honestly don’t understand how one more child when one has is going to change much.
It is wrong to separate twins so if one was going to be adopted by you the brother should have been as well but let me guess this was/is your brothers only son and the other kid were girls. Well what’s done is done there is no reason to cry over spilled milk. You may want to prepare to get her counseling/therapy because she very well may need it. Assuming you have relationship/contact with your brother/SIL nieces and nephews this will likely come as quite a shock to learn that Aunt Jane and Uncle John are your biological parents, your cousins are your biological siblings and add on Cousin Henry is your twin brother.
I would even suggest that you talk to your brother and SIL about how you should go about breaking this news. If she is close to your brother/SIL as her Uncle/Aunt maybe they should be there as well.
This little girl should have known from the start that she was adopted and that she was adopted by her biological Aunt. I have known as far as I can remember that I am adopted. Prior to coming on here it never would have guessed that someone would either not be told they were adopted or be told later in life.
You get in a time machine and go back years and tell her from the beginning. Barring that, you tell her now, you tell her the truth and you get her a therapist because there is no way this little girl doesn’t have an extra hard emotional journey ahead of her to deal with this.
You didn’t want to throw a wrench in her life? So you thought you’d wait years and tell her that she’s been lied to for years and most of the things she believes to be true about her family are a lie? How is that better?
Your daughter will have some major issues no matter how you tell. Your whole family failed her. She will have troubles with trust, honesty, belonging, and the list goes on. You have intentionally manipulated her life. Her twin brother and other siblings will greatly be effected by this also.
Talk with your brother and his wife immediately. You now have the great expense of therapy. Do some research on finding a very good therapist that specializes in adoption reunion issues in your state. Have that info ready for the blow. I know that the state that I live in has but one exceptional therapist that deals in the after effects of adoption issues. They are very hard to find. Remember, You can’t just go to any therapist.
Good Luck
Wow! This is a very loaded situation. You definitely need to tell her, and the sooner the better. However, I would be careful about the way in which you tell her. I wouldn’t necessarily disclose ALL of the details. There are a lot of details that she probably doesn’t need to know. Maybe you simply state it as a “we knew they would have a hard time providing for so many children and we wanted a child of our own” and you bring it up in the midst of a conversation about different types of families, etc. One thing you may want to consider, though, since it is a family issue is disclosing the information to all of the children as a family along with your brother and his wife. Otherwise your daughter may disclose to her cousins/siblings information your brother and his wife might not have been ready to share. Good luck!
what a tough situation to be in, on both parties! i think it’s best that you get all of the family together because this is not just your responsibility to tell her, it’s also your brothers and his wife’s too. be ready for a mix of emotions and a million questions from her; i don’t know how you explain to a year old that she is adopted AND that she has a twin brother AND that her parents decided to only keep one of them? but to answer the question, get your brother and his wife and all of the kids together and talk this out and make sure that you are there for her needs when everything is said and done.
Wow!
I’m not going to put you down although I am strongly against with holding the truth.
Tell her today. Do not wait one more second!!!!
Stick to the facts. Explain your emotions in this situation but do not talk for others involved. You can not pretend to know what your brother and sister-in-law were or are feeling. Let her hear it from them if possible. How you represent them could cause her harm. They are a part of her, so be careful please. To put them down is to put her down.
Be open and honest. Ask if she has any questions. Hold her and comfort her. Keep asking if you can answer any questions for her every day forever if that’s what it takes to help her through this late discovery.
WHATEVER YOU DO………..TELL HER TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is her right to know the truth to her own life.
best wishes
With a sincere apology for messing up, and a little help from Adoptee, Betty Jean Lifton, who has written a book especially for small adoptees “Tell me a Real Adoption Story” (see link for info)
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/?ie=UTF…
Well, a great way would have been to have been to have kept her in close contact with her twin from the beginning, and always make sure she knew he’s her twin. Since you didn’t do that, there won’t be any easy way to tell her. The sooner you tell her, the better–for everyone. If it were me (which it wouldn’t be), I would start the conversation with something along the lines of, “I have made a horrible mistake….”
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You said: “I adopted her from my brother and his wife at birth. They have other children, one of which is her twin brother”.
At years old I think she should be told exactly that and hopefully in attendance and full support of your brother’s family. The other children should be involved as well.
She most likely will go through a range of emotions and will need the support of the entire family.
eta: I also agree with others that she should have been told long ago. Waiting till now makes this much more difficult for everyone involved.
I’m an adopted child who was not told until I was about – years old. As your child is I feel that she will have a pretty good understanding of the situation and it should be explained as others had said with family present. When I was told I had about a week of mixed confused feelings but soon after that I really never thought about it negatively because I was surrounded by such loving people. I think you need to create a loving environment that encourages her to ask questions. Do not wait until the teen years as that is a difficult time as is.
Good luck :). It is clear that you feel really badly about the situation, but do know that sometimes telling a child when they finally can grasp the situation fully (-) is best (depends on the emotional maturity of the child).
Source(s): adopted
You really should have told her years ago. Its possible she could take this very poorly even more knowing she has a twin brother and other siblings that were kept and for whatever reason she was not. I am going to guess for financially reasons but I honestly don’t understand how one more child when one has is going to change much.
It is wrong to separate twins so if one was going to be adopted by you the brother should have been as well but let me guess this was/is your brothers only son and the other kid were girls. Well what’s done is done there is no reason to cry over spilled milk. You may want to prepare to get her counseling/therapy because she very well may need it. Assuming you have relationship/contact with your brother/SIL nieces and nephews this will likely come as quite a shock to learn that Aunt Jane and Uncle John are your biological parents, your cousins are your biological siblings and add on Cousin Henry is your twin brother.
I would even suggest that you talk to your brother and SIL about how you should go about breaking this news. If she is close to your brother/SIL as her Uncle/Aunt maybe they should be there as well.
This little girl should have known from the start that she was adopted and that she was adopted by her biological Aunt. I have known as far as I can remember that I am adopted. Prior to coming on here it never would have guessed that someone would either not be told they were adopted or be told later in life.
You get in a time machine and go back years and tell her from the beginning. Barring that, you tell her now, you tell her the truth and you get her a therapist because there is no way this little girl doesn’t have an extra hard emotional journey ahead of her to deal with this.
You didn’t want to throw a wrench in her life? So you thought you’d wait years and tell her that she’s been lied to for years and most of the things she believes to be true about her family are a lie? How is that better?
Your daughter will have some major issues no matter how you tell. Your whole family failed her. She will have troubles with trust, honesty, belonging, and the list goes on. You have intentionally manipulated her life. Her twin brother and other siblings will greatly be effected by this also.
Talk with your brother and his wife immediately. You now have the great expense of therapy. Do some research on finding a very good therapist that specializes in adoption reunion issues in your state. Have that info ready for the blow. I know that the state that I live in has but one exceptional therapist that deals in the after effects of adoption issues. They are very hard to find. Remember, You can’t just go to any therapist.
Good Luck
Wow! This is a very loaded situation. You definitely need to tell her, and the sooner the better. However, I would be careful about the way in which you tell her. I wouldn’t necessarily disclose ALL of the details. There are a lot of details that she probably doesn’t need to know. Maybe you simply state it as a “we knew they would have a hard time providing for so many children and we wanted a child of our own” and you bring it up in the midst of a conversation about different types of families, etc. One thing you may want to consider, though, since it is a family issue is disclosing the information to all of the children as a family along with your brother and his wife. Otherwise your daughter may disclose to her cousins/siblings information your brother and his wife might not have been ready to share. Good luck!
what a tough situation to be in, on both parties! i think it’s best that you get all of the family together because this is not just your responsibility to tell her, it’s also your brothers and his wife’s too. be ready for a mix of emotions and a million questions from her; i don’t know how you explain to a year old that she is adopted AND that she has a twin brother AND that her parents decided to only keep one of them? but to answer the question, get your brother and his wife and all of the kids together and talk this out and make sure that you are there for her needs when everything is said and done.
Wow!
I’m not going to put you down although I am strongly against with holding the truth.
Tell her today. Do not wait one more second!!!!
Stick to the facts. Explain your emotions in this situation but do not talk for others involved. You can not pretend to know what your brother and sister-in-law were or are feeling. Let her hear it from them if possible. How you represent them could cause her harm. They are a part of her, so be careful please. To put them down is to put her down.
Be open and honest. Ask if she has any questions. Hold her and comfort her. Keep asking if you can answer any questions for her every day forever if that’s what it takes to help her through this late discovery.
WHATEVER YOU DO………..TELL HER TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is her right to know the truth to her own life.
best wishes
Source(s): adoptive mom
With a sincere apology for messing up, and a little help from Adoptee, Betty Jean Lifton, who has written a book especially for small adoptees “Tell me a Real Adoption Story” (see link for info)
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/?ie=UTF…
Well, a great way would have been to have been to have kept her in close contact with her twin from the beginning, and always make sure she knew he’s her twin. Since you didn’t do that, there won’t be any easy way to tell her. The sooner you tell her, the better–for everyone. If it were me (which it wouldn’t be), I would start the conversation with something along the lines of, “I have made a horrible mistake….”