Do all adopted/foster children have abandonment issues? How can we as foster parents help our 4yr old deal with it? We had her for 2 yrs and now she is flooding us with questions of why? I simplify the situation to her level of understanding and remind her how much her mommy and daddy love her… Any other advice???
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It isn’t unusual for children to ask questions like this when they start to become aware that their family isn’t like others. I raised my oldest biological son entirely on my own and there were a few times when he was younger that he asked questions about his father. It is perfectly normal for kids, whether they have an absent parent, or are adopted or foster kids, to ask questions.
If you present the situation in a positive light and answer their questions honestly and on their level then she will grow up knowing that she can ask you *anything* which is what you want in a relationship.
As for ALL adopted children, no they don’t. Asking questions isn’t the same as feeling abandoned. Some adopted children go through life with no need to really find their biological families. Some feel some curiosity and some feel a strong need. It depends on the child, the gender (females are more likely to look than males) and just how open the whole adoption process is.
As for foster children, yes almost all of them do because they were, in fact, abandoned and abused sometimes in the worst possible way so the issues they will have and have to deal with will be manifestly different than a child who was given up at birth and who did not suffer any type of abuse.
As for your daughter, just continue to answer her questions and provide her with a loving stable home environment.
Source(s): Foster and adoptive parent.22
I have never felt abandoned, not once.
I think the question of why is a normal one. Your little girl has realized that she has another set of parents, and a normal and natural question is, “How did it happen that I left that set of parents and came to live with you?” An unstated question in her mind might be, “Could it happen again?”
At her age, I would say something like this. “Not all mommies and daddies are ready to be mommies and daddies when their kids are born. In that case, they find someone else who is ready, and that is how we got to be your mommy and daddy.”
Our granddaughter’s dad left her and and our daughter before she was born. She has asked questions about how and why this happened, and that’s essentially what our daughter has told her – that he was not ready, and it’s really sad that he is missing out on the chance to know her.
You can add more details for your daughter as she gets older – whatever you know about why she was taken from her parents care and placed with you. You might also try to see if there are safe members of her original family that she can visit with when she gets a bit older. The daughter of an acquaintance of mine, for instance, visits sometimes with her aunt who is a safe person, even though her sister (the girl’s mom) is not.
Wishing you well.
Source(s): Adoptee and Adoptive Mom.40
At a deeper level I think probably yes would be the answer.
Questions are natural when trying to work things out so answer honestly and keep the communication channels open. Don’t view this as a personal slight because the child needs to know.
I LOVE how people who AREN’T Adoptees purport to know the innermost thoughts and feelings of adoptees; like they’d know how it feels to grow up adopted holding a sackful of unanswered questions!
It’s great that she feels able to ask you questions, that’s a good thing. I’d be more worried if she was introverted and didn’t feel able to verbalise her thoughts and feelings.
You’re doing a good job by listening and validating each and every one of her concerns – so many adopters seek to dismiss adoptee’s feelings (you even see that all the time here! it’s awful)
Take care x