could i have your opinions on my writing please x?

ok the plot so far . the main character has been in a plane crash , she has found some survivors , one being a mother but her baby has died . so this is the ending to my chapter , please be honest.

We decided to rest up, we were exhausted. We found a canopy of trees and decided this would be the best place. Within five minutes or so Laura, Lisa and Mark had closed their eyes.As I lay my head down on the soft grass, the panicked screams and cries were still ringing in my ears, I would not be sleeping tonight.Suddenly a new sound was taking hold of my ears; a lullaby, Hush Little Baby.Mary was rocking backwards and forwards as if trying to soothe Harry to sleep, he was already sleeping and would never wake.I felt something wet trickle down the front of my face.The angelic voice kept singing and i could feel my eyes getting heavy, i forced them to open.I did not want to see the images of today that lay behind them.My eyes felt almost lead like, as the singing continued to soothe the pain my ears felt.They closed again and this time i could not force them open.

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  • Sharon,

    Your writing is very heartfelt. I agree, you have a talent. I did a bit of editing here and there. Take a look and see if it is to your liking. I truly think you have something here worth getting published. Get your story edited as best you can. Remember, the word ‘ I ‘ is always a capital in any form. I’m, I’ve, I’ll etc… Nicely done.

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    My Edit:

    We were exhausted and decided it was time to rest. Finding a group of shade trees to serve as a canopy, it was decided this would be the best place. Within minutes, Laura, Lisa and Mark had closed their eyes. As I lay my head down on the soft grass, the panicked screams and cries were still ringing in my ears. I realized that sleep would not come easily or peaceful tonight. As the sound of terror subsided, a new sound reached my ears; a lullaby. It was the Hush Little Baby song. Mary was rocking back and forth as if trying to soothe Harry to sleep. The child was already sleeping and would never wake. I felt something wet trickle down the front of my face as the angelic voice kept singing. I could feel my own eyes getting heavy, but I forced them to stay open. I did not want to see the images of today that lay behind them. As time went on, my eyes felt lead-like; the singing continuing to soothe the pain my heart felt. They closed again and this time I could not force them open.

    PJ M

    Source(s): Published author.

  • sounds good except for; we found a canopy of trees? It should be we found shade under a canopy or we took shelter under a canopy something like that.

  • For some reason i detect your writing form of cliche. “I don’t understand what they call it, this sense”, sentences like this are overused for some reason. “organic sadness from interior of”, ‘from interior of’ is mindless and repeats later. additionally, darkness is thoroughly cliche metaphor and right this moment you are able to desire to apply it extra discretely to make result. Woo, now once I examine the different one, that’s fantastic! I hunted for a thank you to assert that one for a jointly as! i theory slightly and concluded your concern could be the two forcing some issues or philosophical ideas. the two attempt to be a splash extra organic or much less organic, same order. certainly, i could say i admire your writing, yet I observed writers (RPG boards, oh, RPG boards) fairly older than you who write plenty extra acceptable than you. i do no longer understand what’s their secret, wordplay, completely psychologically understanding their characters, unlikely into description whilst no longer needed.. And your important weapons are metaphors and the fact you’re fairly mature (ok, now i bypass to narcissism, i’m and that i purely thoroughly agreed with d factor, i’m annoying that for a jointly as now, yet society is like “Nah, detention center it fairly is”). anyhow, in case you ever write a special, I certainly have few advices: a million)look up Ash’s instruction manual for characters. )do no longer describe or bypass into philosophy as plenty, your character’s habit could clarify their character to readers plenty extra. additionally, you will finally end up in sea of metaphors and wordplays in short description, which leave plenty extra acceptable impression than going into tiny factor. )do by no capacity bypass against your character if it reward the story. think of what could individual you created do, no longer what could you do. I paintings in the direction of same issues, alongside with no longer forgetting my very own community language with the aid of fact of derping on english web content, so wish me luck!

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  • thats a great story so far! your a really talented writer. i just think maybe the character would be in a state of shock still if that happened. haha.

    best of luck!

    xxoxo

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  • i like it. its not the best writing ive ever seen but it is very good i love the part where the mother starts singing to the dead baby.you have talent.i mean i would read it.

  • It’s fantastic. It really left me wanting to read more. I think you’re doing a great job so far. Keep it up!

    Source(s): Happy Writing (=

  • I really love it. its my kind of story. well done! and Good luck!!! i liked the part where the mother sung a lullaby (awww!) !!

  • That is awsome. I would totally read it if you published it!

    Source(s): answer mine?
    http://uk.answers. /question/index;_ylt=As…

  • i like tis sad =(

    xxx

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