My daughters birth mother left the scene many years ago. I adopted them when they were 3&4. They are now 15&16. I got in a little tizzy when, a few years ago, someone refered to me as their step-mother and when I said I’m their adoptive mother she said it didn’t matter and I am still the step. What do you think? I love them and their my kids but ever since then it’s kinda bugged me a little bit. What I hate is the term “real mother”. Should I refer to myself as the fake mother?
Update:
I have to add that I love those girls just as much as if I had given birth to them. For those who question parental love of adoptive parents, please don’t.
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Legally you are their adoptive mother, which is their REAL mom. Don’t listen to petty people! Say I am their mother, period! Only petty individuals who want to hurt people or cause trouble would question you. A step mother is someone who marries their daddy w/o the benefit of adoption. You sound like a great mom, with lots of love in your heart!!!
No, you are legally and by action their mother now, and you deserve the respect that offers. You are their mother, and the other is their biological mother. Period. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, and those who make nasty comments like that are rude and should keep their mouths shut.
Next time someone tells you it doesn’t matter what your legal status is or what’s in your heart, you can respond with the following:
“There’s a lot more to being a mother than providing biological material and a womb. These girls are my daughters. Please don’t trivialize my parenthood down to the merely the result of a biological need to procreate.”
You have no control over your husband’s choice, but you do have control over yours. First, tell your husband that he is to stop telling your children that he is going to adopt them. He obviously has hesitation so he needs to stop filling your children’s minds with empty promises. Secondly, if it is that easy for his mother to talk him out of it, he isn’t that committed to the idea. Don’t blame his mother, blame him. Third, the most important concept for adoption of your children is that he would be their legal parent in the event of your divorce or death. Maybe he likes the idea of being dad while you guys are together…..but doesn’t like the idea of being made to pay child support if you guys split up down the road….or if you were to die. Ask him what his misgivings are. Maybe there is a way to get around them and make him feel more comfortable.
I have the same situation. My mom adopted my brother and I at the ages of 5 and 8. She has been my “mom” for 25 years…we have never used the term step.
In the eyes of the law, you are the step-mother, and the other woman is the birth-mother. The laws are set that way to protect everyone’s rights. All that should matter to you is what do the girls think? Do they think of you as their “real mother”? And someone who knew the biological one, will never view you as the real one.
If you adopted them, you’re their mom (and not their step-mom).
It’s a legal status…
My husband can’t adopt my kids & we sometimes refer to him as their “real step-dad” 🙂