The past few weeks have been very trying for my boyfriend and I. We’ve fought over everything from my jealousy, to his lax punishments with his son, to the way he’s changed lately. I finally got it out of him that he’s feeling like he wants to do more with his life. Take more pictures (part-time photographer), learn new things, join more teams, etc. I noticed lately that he doesn’t show me any affection the way he used to. He used to hug me while I was cooking, kiss me on the neck for no reason, slap my butt while I was walking by, the way he looked at me could make me melt…. and none of that is happening anymore. It started with me asking why he always had an excuse handy for why he didn’t really want to have sex. He would have sex with me, but it seemed more like a task than anything. I know he’s not cheating on me, he doesn’t have the time. He said he feels like he’s going through a mid-life crisis.
Here’s where it doesn’t really make sense, he’s only 28 years old. I realize he wants to get out and do new things and hang out with friends, but we have 3 kids and one on the way. Our kids are 8 years old (his son from previous relationship, my daughter from previous relationship) and a one year old boy together.
This entire situation has me torn apart because I’m a very emotional, affectionate person, and to try to deal with no affection until he can “figure it out” is going to break me.
Any opinions??
I guess I should add that the child I’m pregnant with was not planned. I was on birth control when I got pregnant.
Open Question
It does seem like he has a bit of cabin fever. Getting out and away is a good thing, staying home can add to stress. He needs to get out and relax once in a while. You should too. It should help your relationship out. Also, try talking. It has only been a couple of weeks, don’t let it linger.
Google “quarter life crisis.”
Are you showing HIM any affection? It shouldn’t be up to the guy to initiate all the time. Men like to know they are loved and desired, too. However, I think what he’s going through is normal for most young adults who wake up one day and realize they have an enormous amount of responsibility, and not much freedom anymore. You’ll go through it, too, but it’ll probably take you until your 30s or 40s.
Anyway, Google what I said and let him see it. Ask him if he thinks any of that applies to him. My guess is that it will sound awfully familiar, and then he’ll realize that he’s not alone.
wait, how did you get pregnant if you were on birth control?
i’m confused
Two things,
Guys do need guy time once in a while. Going hunting or camping or fishing with just the guys is a must for us.
Secondly, 29 (turning 30) was a very hard year for me. There were huge pressures at home and work and that was the first time in my life I started feeling like I was getting old. The younger people start treating you different. For many of us we start noticing our hair thinning, which is a huge huge hit emotionally. Things start hurting and we notice our stamina isn’t what it was. And in the midst of all this the pressures on us to pay the ever expanding bills just goes up and up. It’s a tough age to be.
Let him have some guy time, and try to be there for him emotionally. That meaning if he talks about work or the problems he faces don’t try to tell him he’s making a big deal out of nothing and don’t jump in with your own problems. Just listen and let him know that you have confidence in him and you’re on his side 1%.
It’s also important for you to not hit him with a litany of everything that’s wrong or a problem when he first comes in the door. Greet him with a smile and feed him and jump him bones and then he’ll be in a good frame of mind to listen to what you need to say to him.
A little early, but many people take stock of their lives around 30yo and don’t like what they see.
google “Saturn Return”
This volatile time is suppose to mark the transition from youth to maturity.
If you two have been cooped up rearing children for a while, it’s time to start getting out more and to get a baby sitter so you two can go out together and also negotiate days out with your friends.
e.g. he goes out Thursday, you go out Friday or vice-versa. Whatever works best. Many couples split up the weekends. I know my sister golfs Sunday mornings.
Tough it out though, it won’t last forever and this one of marriage’s many tribulations.
Maybe arrange a baby-sitter and go out together – redo your first date together or something corny like that.
Talk to him about what’s going on with him and let him know it’s a really common thing for people to go through around 30yo.
And tell him you are craving affection from him.
At 28 its not a mid life crisis !!! Three children an another loomin ?
Ithink he is just feelin a little bit hemmed in .Just give him a bit of space for now but do tell him u miss the affection that he used to give you . Its not fair if u are dion all the givin an not recievin anythin back
I know exactly how you feel. My situation is very similar to yours (you can read my question under my profile) except that my husband is 50 and I am 43 and our kids are grown and gone. My baby is 20. I feel exactly the same way and everything that you described that he used to do is the same as mine and now it is all just gone. I have been trying for 4 years to find the answer and I don’t know. With small children involved, I would hate to see your relationship end. Please keep trying to get through to him. Maybe after the baby comes, things will get better? I hope so. I wish I had an answer for both of us, but all I can offer is good wishes that things work out for you. Take care.