one of my friends passed away last week and her visitation and funeral are tomorrow and the next day. but i’m not sure if want to go.
one, because we weren’t as close as most of the people that are going. we talked quite a bit but we never hung out or anything.
two, because i don’t know if i can handle all the sadness.
three, i don’t know her family at all and i wouldn’t know what to say.
four, and probably the most terrible and least of my worries, is the gas. the drive is about thirty minutes from where i live.
would i be a terrible person for not going? i’m scared that the three friends of mine that are going will be mad at me for not attending.
✅ Answers
Answerer 1
You sound young, so I will answer assuming that.
1. Funerals are for the living, especially her family. It’s a way to say goodbye and move on. It would probably mean a lot to her family to see friends come and pay their respect.
2. Funerals are sad, but they are a part of life. You will be sad during the service. I have cried at many funerals. Afterward, you will be amazed at much better you feel. That service can be very healing.
3. It doesn’t matter to her family that you don’t know them. It could be that you won’t even have a chance to speak to them. It you do, all you have to say is “I’m so sorry.”
4. The gas – I know it’s expensive. Can you carpool with one of your 3 friends that are going? Then you can give your friend a little cash to help pay for gas. It will also help to have a friend by your side, it will give you a little courage.
You won’t be a terrible person for not going, But if you don’t go, you most likely will regret missing your friend’s funeral.
Answerer 2
A funeral is about supporting those who were close to the deceased and also about personal reflection and saying goodbye. Funerals are not as sad you might first think. Yes there will be tears, but you might also see people laughing as they remember the deceased’s life and share stories with others.
You don’t have to say anything to anyone. Bring a sympathy card for the family and that’s really all you have to do. You can share a fond memory of your friend or simply say nothing. There’s no right or wrong way to act. I think you should go. There’s always free food as these things too. Carpool with one your friends to save on gas.
Answerer 3
If you don’t want to go, then don’t. Funerals are for those close to the deceased to show support for each other. If you go only for appearances, then don’t bother. You obviously didn’t care about this person so there is no need to be a hypocrite about it. You will look better by staying home than by showing up and being a two-face.
Answerer 4
No and what others think don’t matter.
I don’t understand the other poster saying
theres always free food at these things.???
Food never gets served at funeral homes!
Not in my area anyway. I’ve never seen this happen.
People bring food to the families home but not at the funeral!
And I don’t think you’ll be sitting around at the families home
since you don’t know them at all.
If your worried about gas then catch a ride with one of
the 3 friends thats going. Or make an excuse saying you had
a personal emergency with your own family at the time of the
funeral and couldn’t go. But I think you are over thinking it.
Just keep it simple.
Answerer 5
I don’t know where Misty lives or the traditions there, but where I live, it is very common for a lunch to be served after a funeral, whether it is at a funeral home or in a church. It is also common for friends to bring food to the home of the close family of the deceased. In some cases, after the funeral and luncheon, there is also a gathering at the home of an immediate relative for close friends. Usually, that gathering is by invitation only, not for everyone who attends the funeral.
If you prefer, you could just go to the visitation. That is a lot less stressful, and you are not expected to stay a long time. Usually, people come and stay a little while, and then leave. If you see people there you know, you can visit with them.
It doesn’t matter if you know the family or not. Just introduce yourself and say you were a friend, and you are so sorry. That is really all you need to say to them. If they continue to talk to you, it is easy to make small talk. There may be a line of people waiting to say hello to the relatives, so each person isn’t expected to have a big visit.
As far as handling the sadness, it is a lot easier going when you are not a close friend, because you won’t be as sad.
But whether you go or not, it would be nice to give the family a card. If you go to the visitation, bring it with you, as there is usually a place to leave the cards. If you decide not to go, then mail it to the closest relative. Write a brief note inside saying you are so sorry, and that she will be missed.
Answerer 6
No you are not a bad person, funerals can be daunting however I think you should go.
A funeral is a way of saying goodbye and that is very important. It might not seem like it now but you will regret it later in life if you choose not to go.
Sadness is part of it but I often find people also tell funny stories and laugh and giggle as well as cry and grieve.
Go and honour your friend. It might cost in gas money but in terms of peace of mind and your own emotions, you will never regret you went.
Answerer 7
Very bad.
Answerer 8
Well, that is really cold.
Your excuses are just that, excuses.
You can carpool with your friends, saving you the sixty minute waste of gas. Or drive yourself and spend what, $8. on gas?
You have no social grace and yes, you are awful to make all of these excuses not to pay your respects to your friend of her family, who need comfort now more than ever. Selfish to the max, you are.
Answerer 9
Go. It is wonderful for the family. All you have to say is “my sympathies for your loss.” If they want to talk you can say we weren’t as close recently as we were in the pass. I came to honor her memory.”
Take tissues, you’ll probably cry. Though most services are really upbeat.
Answerer 10
I don’t think it would make you a terrible person, but I do think you should go to the funeral. There’s no need to go to the visitation if it makes you uncomfortable, especially if it’s open casket. I think you’ll feel better about yourself if you make the effort. It might mean a lot to the family that you made the gesture.
I was never taught funeral etiquette. I grew up assuming that you had to be invited to a funeral just as you do a wedding. I was grown up before I learned differently, and that still embarrasses me. I also avoided funerals for most of my youth because the first one I ever attended, as a child, was so traumatic.
I was much older than I should have been when I finally figured out that it’s the gesture that counts. It’s relatively little cost to you for something that could be very meaningful for a grieving family, and they’ll remember you well for making it.