Well Im doing a series in Flipnote Hatena but im writing my whole story line down as a story i made like this little um prologue (?) for it. Just to let you know im , a freshman and i failed english honors and I want constructive critisim but not hate. Here we go, Oh wait! this starts in feudal japan:
“Here you go mommy! I made this for you” The little girl gave her mother a box. “It’s a music box mommy! It plays the lullaby you sing to me!” The mother grabbed the box and opened it; it started playing the most beautiful song. The mother grabbed her daughter and placed her on her lap. “I made more than one box mommy, the lullaby was too much for just one box! I made four! I made the boxes all by myself without daddy’s help I even casted the spell myself.” The little girl jumped off her mother lap and started running at a door, “Hiro, no! Don’t go out there! HIRO PLEASE COME BACK!” The mother ran after her daughter and when Hiro grabbed the door knob, there was an explosion. “Hiro!” screeched the mom as she fell to the ground. Hiro ran to her mom and tried picking her up, “It’s okay mommy, I put the protection spell on the boxes, I will show you when Daddy and uncle stop playing.” Her mother looked at Hiro with sadness; she opened her mouth to say something when the door opened, “My dear husband-,” she was surprise to see her brother-in-law. Hiro ran to her uncle and gave him a hug, “Hello Princess Hiro Nakamura, hello Queen Akiko Nakamura.” The queen slowly backed up into a wall. Hiro was climbing up on her Uncles blood stained armor, “Uncle Daichi! Your done playing with daddy, aren’t you? Have you and daddy been playing with my red paints? Where is he? Where’s daddy?” Daichi grabbed Hiro from the back of her neck and threw her to Akiko’s direction. “Hiro, are you okay!?” She started for Hiro as Daichi put his sword near her throat. “Tsk tsk tsk, this would have never happened if you would have chosen me instead of Hitoshi,” he circled around the queen with a smile of pleasure on his face. Hiro tried getting up but failed in frustration she yelled, “WHAT DID YOU DO TO DADDY?”! She tried crawling to her mom but the pain being thrown to the wall overwhelmed her. Still not keeping his eyes off the queen he answers the princess, “Your daddy? What do you mean? I’m your daddy now!” The awful realization that the king was dead struck the queen. There was silence between them, the only thing that was heard was explosions, and screams. The queen suddenly grabbed for Daichi’s sword. “YOU INSOLENT WOMAN! HOW DARE YOU TOUCH YOUR FUTURE RULER!” screamed Daichi, without a second thought he cut her head off. “You would have made an excellent wife,” he said before he turned to Hiro, “Are you going to do the same thing Hiro?” He walked to her and kneeled in front of her. He moved a misplace hair out of her face and said, “I don’t need to hurt my niece, do I?” There was a cold wind that shivered down the princess’s spine. He sat down and put her on his lap, “How old are you Hiro? Are you three, two, or five?” Hiro fidgeted around trying to get off her horrid uncle lap and mumbled the number four. He started playing with her hair, “I never liked girls with long hair,” he said taking out a dagger from his pocket. Hiro winced as her beautiful long black hair was cut by the dagger. Daichi placed it next to him and blew the hair off Hiro’s shoulder. Daichi whispered in Hiro’s ears, “Would you like to play queen?” In an instant Hiro pushed her uncle away and grabbed the dagger without him seeing. He grabbed her and embraced her; he whispered again, “You are now my queen.” In complete disgust, Hiro took the hidden dagger and stabbed her uncle’s heart. He mumbled a few words and collapsed, dead, and of all that crushing Hiro. The four year old suffocating, blacking out only to see a black figure opening the door; the figure running towards her and getting her uncle’s body of her. Then all goes dark.
? Favorite Answer
This is awesome. Don’t make it a prologue, though, make it chapter one. Other than that, the last bit is a bit weak. If she is starting to suffocate from a body on her, and the body is removed before she passes out, she would revive, not faint.
I like it very much. Keep it up.