Please tell me if you like the opening to my book :)?

Ok, hopefully I got it right this time, its my ninth try. Here it is:

For most people this particular November night was just another extremely uneventful Tuesday night. For Josh Alders, not so much, tonight was probably one of the most ill-fated nights of his life. Josh had inhabited the abandoned warehouse for the past couple of weeks. He had already been hardened to the cold dirty floors but that didn’t make it comfortable. After all squeaking mice don’t exactly scream home.

“Shut up,” Josh glared at the walls that the rats lived behind “Looks like we’ve gotten into quite the situation. Got the cops on my tail and everything, it just figures I would end up in this rat hole,” He complained.

“I never even did anything. Shouldn’t it be illegal to jail a person because they can do magic? It wasn’t my choice to be such a freak. I mean-” Just then the loud grumbling in his stomach interrupted his conversation with himself. Glancing at the steel door leading into an alley Josh looked right back down at the ground.

“No way am I going out there.” That door was like a big steel death sentence to him. One step outside of this building and someone might see him, which could lead to him being reported to the police for breaking and entering private property. Police were the last thing Josh wanted to deal with right now, for obvious reasons. Life was horrific Josh right now. Overall Josh looked like and smelt like a homeless person.

✅ Answers

🥇 Favorite Answer

  • Its too much too quickly.

    You need to spend a good while establishing the scene. Most books spend the first or page doing this, giving us an idea about why he’s there.

    Or, just describe him doing something. He doesn’t have to speak at all- maybe you could actually describe him getting into the warehouse, rather than having him tell us he can do magic. If its HIM telling us, the audience, that makes him seem a little conceited. Even when he is not, thats just how reading it works. Whereas if we just see him do it, that is, you describe it rather than have him say it, it seems more real and less “mary-sue”.

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    If he is magic, how come he doesn’t know how to cast an invisibility spell etc.

    Also, is this magic related to Harry Potter, if you’re serious about this book, you will want to establish -very- early on just how different it is, and what the “rules” of this universe is.

    Rather than write the book off the top of your head, get everything in place first. Decide exactly what will happen, why, to who and how the book will end. Then do a chapter-by-chapter summary. Once you have the skeleton all done you can flesh it out.

    Good luck, its hard to write a fleshed out and meaningful book, but worthwhile!

    Source(s): I am an author or Horror, and even though some would beg to differ, Horror is an excellent insight into the human mind. In fact, it takes great skill to write a good horror book. Just ask Stephen King.

  • Just my suggestions for your grammar, paragraphing, and dialogue. Changes made in parenthesis:

    —————————————————————————————————-

    For most people(,) this particular November night was just another extremely uneventful Tuesday (repeated night, rephrase)night. For Josh Alders, not so much,(.) (T)onight was probably one of the most ill-fated nights(night again) of his life. Josh had inhabited the abandoned warehouse for the past couple of weeks. He had already been hardened to the cold dirty floors(,) but that didn’t make it comfortable. After all(,) squeaking mice don’t exactly scream home.

    “Shut up(.)”

    Josh glared at the walls that the rats lived behind(.)

    “Looks like we’ve gotten into quite the situation. Got the cops on my tail and everything(.) (I)t just figures I would end up in this rat hole,” (h)e complained. “I never even did anything. Shouldn’t it be illegal to jail a person (just) because they can do magic? It wasn’t my choice to be such a freak. I mean-(em-dash is two dashes)”

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    Just then(,) the loud grumbling in his stomach interrupted his conversation with himself(one-sided conversation). Glancing at the steel door leading into an alley(,) Josh looked right back down at the ground.(sentence was confusing, rephrase)

    “No way am I going out there.”

    That(The) door was like a big(,) steel death sentence to him. One step outside of this building and someone might see him, which could lead to him being reported to the police for breaking and entering private property.(you don’t get reported for trespass when you escape from prison) Police were the last thing Josh wanted to deal with right now, for obvious reasons. Life was horrific (for)Josh right now(yes, we know). Overall Josh looked like and smelt like a homeless person.(boring description)

    ——————————————————————————————

    I don’t mean to be harsh. In fact, I hope it helped.

  • Good opening! It grabs your attention from the beginning because your wondering why it wasn’t good for this guy. After that though the flow is off. It’s becomes kind of hard to read. I don’t know how to explain it exactly. For example the sentence “He had already been hardened to the cold dirty floors but that didn’t make it comfortable.” It’s a very descriptive sentence but it doesn’t flow right. Also the sentence “After all, squeaking mice don’t exactly scream home,” should have a comma to make it easier to read. I like that line, that’s funny! Your story line is intersting from the start. Just read through it as if you were reading a book that isn’t associated with you. I know that it seems completely impossible to seperate yourself from the writing, but try that. If that doesn’t work then try reading it out loud. I find that it helps to read it into a recorder and then replay it to hear what it sounds like. Sometimes you can catch problems with flow when you hear it being said out loud. This especially helps with dialogue.

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    I know it can become EXTREMELY frustrating when you’ve rewritten and rewritten the same scene over and over again and then people still pick it apart like it was your first draft. Trust me I’ve been there. Keep up the good work and take a deep breath. The more you rewrite the better writer you’ll become. In time you might only have to rewrite half a dozen times. LOL!

    Hope this helps! Good Luck!

  • yehhh. it’s really good. If i saw it, i would most likely buy it. It had me hooked. Especially the minute magic was mentioned.. hahahah. I think the ‘skeleton’ idea mentioned above is really helpful. I have a friend that is writing a book and she has done that and her books so far are great. If you want any further opinion or suggestion then you can im or email me at [email protected]

    Good Luck!

  • Thats so cool! You shoulkd post it on Wortrhy of Publishing for more reviews.

    It’s a % free website where writers can post their stories and poems and get feedback from other users(which is over a thousand members).

    I myself have an account and have been using it for almost a year.

    It’s free, simple and is the best place for posting your stories for public review.

    =)

    When you join & post up your work, check out my work: and

    http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/chapter.asp?chap…

    comment & rate and I’ll do the same for you 🙂

    Source(s): ww.worthyofpublishing.com

  • Nice, I’m sure I’ve read it before though. It’s good, I would read it and probably buy it lol.

    At one point it just sounds like a list of events being read out, that’s when he’s speaking though.

    http://uk.answers. /question/index;_ylt=Am…

  • I liked the first paragraph, sweet, descriptive, and shows great imagery.

    But after he started talking, it got boring. These things should unfold,not be listed.

  • it’s alright. Its very detailed, but u could add some more descriptions of events, instead of imagery.

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