Please tell me if you like the opening to my book :)?

Ok, hopefully I got it right this time, its my ninth try. Here it is:

For most people this particular November night was just another extremely uneventful Tuesday night. For Josh Alders, not so much, tonight was probably one of the most ill-fated nights of his life. Josh had inhabited the abandoned warehouse for the past couple of weeks. He had already been hardened to the cold dirty floors but that didn’t make it comfortable. After all squeaking mice don’t exactly scream home.

“Shut up,” Josh glared at the walls that the rats lived behind “Looks like we’ve gotten into quite the situation. Got the cops on my tail and everything, it just figures I would end up in this rat hole,” He complained.

“I never even did anything. Shouldn’t it be illegal to jail a person because they can do magic? It wasn’t my choice to be such a freak. I mean-” Just then the loud grumbling in his stomach interrupted his conversation with himself. Glancing at the steel door leading into an alley Josh looked right back down at the ground.

“No way am I going out there.” That door was like a big steel death sentence to him. One step outside of this building and someone might see him, which could lead to him being reported to the police for breaking and entering private property. Police were the last thing Josh wanted to deal with right now, for obvious reasons. Life was horrific Josh right now. Overall Josh looked like and smelt like a homeless person.

✅ Answers

? Favorite Answer

  • Its too much too quickly.

    You need to spend a good while establishing the scene. Most books spend the first or page doing this, giving us an idea about why he’s there.

    Or, just describe him doing something. He doesn’t have to speak at all- maybe you could actually describe him getting into the warehouse, rather than having him tell us he can do magic. If its HIM telling us, the audience, that makes him seem a little conceited. Even when he is not, thats just how reading it works. Whereas if we just see him do it, that is, you describe it rather than have him say it, it seems more real and less “mary-sue”.

    If he is magic, how come he doesn’t know how to cast an invisibility spell etc.

    Also, is this magic related to Harry Potter, if you’re serious about this book, you will want to establish -very- early on just how different it is, and what the “rules” of this universe is.

    Rather than write the book off the top of your head, get everything in place first. Decide exactly what will happen, why, to who and how the book will end. Then do a chapter-by-chapter summary. Once you have the skeleton all done you can flesh it out.

    Good luck, its hard to write a fleshed out and meaningful book, but worthwhile!

    Source(s): I am an author or Horror, and even though some would beg to differ, Horror is an excellent insight into the human mind. In fact, it takes great skill to write a good horror book. Just ask Stephen King.

  • See also  The Brothers Grimm's Original stories?
  • Just my suggestions for your grammar, paragraphing, and dialogue. Changes made in parenthesis:

    —————————————————————————————————-

    For most people(,) this particular November night was just another extremely uneventful Tuesday (repeated night, rephrase)night. For Josh Alders, not so much,(.) (T)onight was probably one of the most ill-fated nights(night again) of his life. Josh had inhabited the abandoned warehouse for the past couple of weeks. He had already been hardened to the cold dirty floors(,) but that didn’t make it comfortable. After all(,) squeaking mice don’t exactly scream home.

    “Shut up(.)”

    Josh glared at the walls that the rats lived behind(.)

    “Looks like we’ve gotten into quite the situation. Got the cops on my tail and everything(.) (I)t just figures I would end up in this rat hole,” (h)e complained. “I never even did anything. Shouldn’t it be illegal to jail a person (just) because they can do magic? It wasn’t my choice to be such a freak. I mean-(em-dash is two dashes)”

    Just then(,) the loud grumbling in his stomach interrupted his conversation with himself(one-sided conversation). Glancing at the steel door leading into an alley(,) Josh looked right back down at the ground.(sentence was confusing, rephrase)

    “No way am I going out there.”

    That(The) door was like a big(,) steel death sentence to him. One step outside of this building and someone might see him, which could lead to him being reported to the police for breaking and entering private property.(you don’t get reported for trespass when you escape from prison) Police were the last thing Josh wanted to deal with right now, for obvious reasons. Life was horrific (for)Josh right now(yes, we know). Overall Josh looked like and smelt like a homeless person.(boring description)

    ——————————————————————————————

    I don’t mean to be harsh. In fact, I hope it helped.

  • Good opening! It grabs your attention from the beginning because your wondering why it wasn’t good for this guy. After that though the flow is off. It’s becomes kind of hard to read. I don’t know how to explain it exactly. For example the sentence “He had already been hardened to the cold dirty floors but that didn’t make it comfortable.” It’s a very descriptive sentence but it doesn’t flow right. Also the sentence “After all, squeaking mice don’t exactly scream home,” should have a comma to make it easier to read. I like that line, that’s funny! Your story line is intersting from the start. Just read through it as if you were reading a book that isn’t associated with you. I know that it seems completely impossible to seperate yourself from the writing, but try that. If that doesn’t work then try reading it out loud. I find that it helps to read it into a recorder and then replay it to hear what it sounds like. Sometimes you can catch problems with flow when you hear it being said out loud. This especially helps with dialogue.

    See also  Is this a good plot for a horror book?

    I know it can become EXTREMELY frustrating when you’ve rewritten and rewritten the same scene over and over again and then people still pick it apart like it was your first draft. Trust me I’ve been there. Keep up the good work and take a deep breath. The more you rewrite the better writer you’ll become. In time you might only have to rewrite half a dozen times. LOL!

    Hope this helps! Good Luck!

  • yehhh. it’s really good. If i saw it, i would most likely buy it. It had me hooked. Especially the minute magic was mentioned.. hahahah. I think the ‘skeleton’ idea mentioned above is really helpful. I have a friend that is writing a book and she has done that and her books so far are great. If you want any further opinion or suggestion then you can im or email me at [email protected]

    Good Luck!

  • Thats so cool! You shoulkd post it on Wortrhy of Publishing for more reviews.

    It’s a % free website where writers can post their stories and poems and get feedback from other users(which is over a thousand members).

    I myself have an account and have been using it for almost a year.

    It’s free, simple and is the best place for posting your stories for public review.

    =)

    When you join & post up your work, check out my work: and

    http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/chapter.asp?chap…

    comment & rate and I’ll do the same for you 🙂

    Source(s): ww.worthyofpublishing.com

  • Nice, I’m sure I’ve read it before though. It’s good, I would read it and probably buy it lol.

    At one point it just sounds like a list of events being read out, that’s when he’s speaking though.

    http://uk.answers. /question/index;_ylt=Am…

  • I liked the first paragraph, sweet, descriptive, and shows great imagery.

    But after he started talking, it got boring. These things should unfold,not be listed.

  • it’s alright. Its very detailed, but u could add some more descriptions of events, instead of imagery.

  • Other Related Questions

    WhAt ShOuLd I nAmE mY cHaRaCtErS?

    Answers Favorite AnswerNaming a character should feel like a parent naming their children. You wouldn't give that task to anyone else (least of all strangers). I'm guessing you don't feel that strongly about your story.. Jane Jennings. Mr. Wang. Bill Harting. Landon . Rachel . Charlie Lincoln. Ethan. Jane Jones, Jissle, Jankles, Jeels, Joles, Jamago,James. (I made all of these, other than Jones & James, up xD). Mr. Barker, Mr. James, Mr. Hudson, Mr. Lang.. Reg, Benson, Jacob, Kane.. Daniel, Sam, Aaron, Cameron, Justin.. Belle, Wella, Susie, Anne.. Cameron, Justin, Ben, Nathan, John, Jonathan.. Harold, Ken, Quinn, Samuel, Dan, Brad. Hope I helped! I do know I re-used the names, sorry they just fit with the description. :)Source(s): My brain.

    Whether attitude depends life experience or your life experience constitutes your attitude ?

    Answers Favorite AnswerGood question. Attitude is the base. Attitude helps in engaging in action, which builds experience, experience in turn enriches the basic attitude and people become more experience and so on.Life experiences form the person you are today of which your attitude is a reflection. Life experience is good and bad meaning your attitude can reflection of specific recent or recurring events. Both to your question because attitude depends on also how you deal with random events that occur.I think, Natural Attitude,Taking the Coaching with the Experiences, and Dancing Accordingly, with the Changing STEPS, with the Better Dance or with the Worst Dance Steps, Depending on the Personal Attitude of the Understanding of the DANCES.Attitude comes down to thinking and belief choices Balaji.Good Luck.Best Wishes.Mars Mission Soon In A Galaxy Near Yours..Source(s):Studies..Sure it can. I could handiest feel down for a whilst, but after the clouds are cleared, i'll proceed my existence as natural. I no longer dwell in the past dangerous expertise, as an alternative be taught from it. The sector is giant, so why stay at that one factor and not moving on. I is also equipped to experience something quality.It is like asking "what was first, Read more

    See also  What are some good books for young adults?
    Which is the more important legacy for Classical Athens, the democracy or philosophy?

    Which is the more important legacy for Classical Athens, the democracy or philosophy? Why? Which legacy had the greatest influence on western culture?Democracy by far. Nowadays everybody favors democracy it seems (save a tiny but growing minority of enlightened people) but few even heard of Plato, Aristotle etc.Its democracy made an impact on the Western Culture. Its values and philosophy of Plato and Aristotle had influenced the world and particularly the theory of democracy.Favorite AnswerDemocracy by far. Nowadays everybody favors democracy it seems (save a tiny but growing minority of enlightened people) but few even heard of Plato, Aristotle etc.Its democracy made an impact on the Western Culture. Its values and philosophy of Plato and Aristotle had influenced the world and particularly the theory of democracy.

    Would you please give me your opinion of which words should end this chapter?

    conversation-type novel: This may seem weird, not knowing what was previously written.Dear Wayne, Interesting launch for a Vietnam story. No ambushed patrol or shoot 'em up. Just that odd sign, the Kraits, and the black pajama boys to get out attention, then I was there; this is my story. You have my vote. I'll read on. Signed, Jerry PetersonDear Wayne, Okay the snakes and the prophetic sign gave me a serious case of the heebie-jeebies. You get my vote for most powerful images. - signed, Jennifer HDear Jennifer, Highway traffic gives me the heebie-jeebies. Do you catch my drift? Snakes, leeches, scorpions, and enemies that rustle the leaves- they all have a degree of logic, or a conscience of sorts, and they, whether they intend to or not, they give us early warning signs. -But those of you who drive on the highways are the bravest people on Earth. Why? You face dangers on a daily bases, more than just days of your life - which was my tour in Vietnam. And you face those highway dangers, knowing full well, there are no early warning signs. When a tire blows-out on the highway or a truck driver goes to sleep Read more

    Leave a Comment