I am a 14 year old boy and last year I was sexually abused by my 16 year old girl cousin….no we did not have sex and yes girls can and do abuse boys…I feel guilty about it because I have a girlfriend when it happened…let me tell some back ground.from ages 4-9 she sexually abused me she use to tell me that we would play gf and bf and would make me take of my clothes and touch her and what not…she always told me that it’s was Okay to do that things like tuis are normal and since I trusted her I never questioned her or anything then at the age of 10 I told her that god wouldn’t like it if she did that stuff to me and it stopped..and then every now and then when I would spend the nigh she would try to get me to to do stuff again but I always pretended to he asleep..she had it in my mind that sexual things like that with my cousin was ok…anyways last year I was spending the night at my grandmas and she was there and really late at night she starts telling me that those sexual things are ok and that their not bad and she just doesn’t know why I don’t do them again..I was scared I didnt know what to do I just went along because I had it in my head since I always looked up to her that those things were ok and now after it happened I realize that it was ****** up and now I hate my cousin…I just feel so guilty that I went along but I had it in my head that it was normal…the abuse wasn’t that awfully bad because I realized that it was wrong because I just had a nasty feeling that this needs to stop..I feel like I cheated I told my girlfriend everything and she said it wasn’t cheating and I also told my parents and she confronted her and she denied it and told them that it never happened I’m making it up…they didn’t believe her…I just feel lime I cheated in my girlfriend and i love her so much I cried for days after it happened I was just destroyed…i hope my cousin gets introuble for this….so did I cheat or was it sexual abuse??? I would also like to add that I told her no that’s a big part to I said no a couple times
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Okay, first off, ignore the first answer. You do NOT need a freaking counselor to tell you whether or not you were abused. A rape victim does not need someone else to tell them they were raped. You WERE abused. Your cousin took advantage of you, did things to you that you did not want, or were not capable of understanding at the time they happened. Just because your cousin convinced you – at a very young age – that it was okay, does not mean that you should take on any of the blame for what happened to you. You are a victim, and nothing that happened, at any time, is your fault.
You SHOULD speak to a counselor about what happened, and get help for any emotional and mental problems that have developed as a result of this abuse.
You did not cheat.
Your cousin needs help. She was very young as well when it all started, which means there could be abuse in her past as well. That does NOT excuse her behaviors, but as she is still a minor, there is still time for someone to take charge and figure out why she acts like this, and get her some help before she hurts someone else (if she hasn’t already).
“Grooming” is something abusers do to get a person – often a child – used to their presence. They establish trust and friendship, give gifts and food, and try and manipulate the child/person so they are more likely to go along with whatever they want, and less likely to say no or tell someone about the abuse once it begins.
It was brave of you to come forward and tell your girlfriend and parents. I know from experience how hard it is to do that, and to talk about your own abuse. It looks like they support you, and that is wonderful. I wish you the best.
You need to consult with a counselor about whether this was sexual abuse. The fact that you said no is not a good sign on her part – her persistence is hard to justify – but a counselor would be able to better figure out where your statement that “I just went along with it” fits with your observation that you said no multiple times – that is going to be difficult for you to process by yourself. The counselor should meet with both of you and make recommendations. Your guilt doesn’t necessarily make this sexual abuse. Many people who have consensual sex have regrets – it is the nature of having a sex drive and moments that lack clarity about where sex fits into your life – and since the two of you started this very early, there was no real way to process this or make informed choices about this. All of this is very complicated and a counselor can help you sort it out.
As far as your cousin getting into trouble – if her actions were coercive, perhaps she is an offender. The age difference, however, is less than 3 years, so proving that this was anything more than sexual exploration will require honest recall, and both of you need to feel that the conclusion was reached honestly so healing can start. Your anger towards her and your guilt should not lead you to be anything less than honest. If you in any way allow your anger to color the presentation of the facts, you will be harming your cousin, yes, but you will be harming yourself even more – so be completely accurate. Your counselor should be the one to make the determination about what this was and if she has accurate facts, she will be able to make the best determination of what occurred and what happens now for both of you.
Sexual exploration that started so early is very hard to figure out – you were put in a situation that is uncomfortable when you look back on it, and the latest sexual contact at an older age, as the person you are now – was clearly not an OK thing for you. You have grown in your religion, and you have made commitments to another girl – these things were not in existence when you were younger, but your younger exploration/abuse made you presently vulnerable to your cousin’s abuse/suggestions (whatever it turns out to be). If you were abused – you KNOW you were let off the hook spiritually and as far as cheating on your girlfriend. But I think you are less clear about how you are left off the hook if this was not abuse, but sexual exploration between young people (and the ick factor of her being a relative). If this was sexual exploration, you need to be OK with that as well – this is something that started at a very young age, and you had no opportunity to discuss and process this until this latest encounter – and you figured out at this point that the older you is way not OK with this. That is who you are now, and now you get the chance to be that person. Ask yourself this question – Now that you have the clarity that you did not have before, would your cousin be able to talk you into this if you were alone? Your lack of clarity made you susceptible to her suggestions – and whether this was accompanied by manipulation/coercion as well is that part that we don’t know without the help of an experienced counselor. You have nothing to be ashamed of and you did not cheat either way.
idk what you mean by “manipulation/grooming”.
Your cousin violated you.
I would call the police. You don’t know if she is doing this to other people. Also, she herself may be the victim of abuse. Abuse victims typically tend to abuse other people as well.
It just goes on and on unless someone speaks up.
You yourself need to tell someone you trust and get help. You’re dealing with very strong feelings of guilt and disgust for yourself and need to realize you didn’t do anything wrong. You were used. Please see a counselor. Don’t let it go on.