I’ve been dating a man who has expressed an interest to “move to the next level” in our 1 year relationship (we are both 45). He has a mentally challenged 43 year old sister that lives with him. She lived with her mother until the mother passed away this past January. My guy felt responsible to take her in and take care of her. She spends her days at an Adult Day Care (like a kid center but for the disabled kind of like kindergarten) and then comes home when he gets home (they provide transportation). When we’ve dated in the past, he had a family member take her so he’d have some freedom. I’ve had a little contact with her but not a ton. Anyway, I DO NOT feel the living arrangement is temporary and would never ask my guy to “put his sister in a home”.
I’m concerned about what my role will “just end up being” after a period of time with this man. I’m concerned I”d be having to accept being her caregiver since we are both female, she lives with him, and she needs more attention than the average sister. I’m not certain I want to end the relationship, but want to be honest to myself on what I’d be taking on. Does anyone ever enter this kind of relationship and then just find yourself in the caregiver spot. I’d be happy to be a wife, but I’m not certain I can handle both Wife to one party and Caregiver to a second adult party. Has anyone ever not become the caregiver and still have an actual marriage?
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and you will have years of bathing her and eventually diapers.
if she wanders off as she ages; you guys will be held accountable.
if she ever has a bruise you will be held accountable, etc.
you will age quicker, not now, but as the years go by you will
have headaches, backaches, insomnia, then later forget things.
nervousness and probably over eating,
there are places she can live in, it is not to be compared with child rearing, children are a responsibility on a temporary basis, they are small they can be molded and disciplined, they are cute and joyful.
but she will have her moments of anger or rebellion. it will be especially difficult for you then.
this is no burden he should expect his wife to bare.
everything will be about her.
talk about baggage, ven step kids grow up.
if he takes vows with you, you have every right in the world to say no.
sorry but are you that desperate? yes. nervous breakdown.
– Chosen by Asker
Oh what a lovely brothe he sounds to take on his sister like that .
So it comes down to how much u love this guy ? he is obviously a very carin person an if it was his 10yr old daughter wood u have a problem with it ? You say he has family back up if needed she attends day care , If i were you an you love him i wood do it for him ?? lol
This is something you need to discuss w/ him and if his answer isn’t agreeable to you then you need to move on.
the reality is that yes, you will most likely become the sister’s main caregiver over time.
if this is not what you want but you like him and don’t want to break up w/ him then just continue dating and living separately and know that marriage is most likely not an option w/ this man.
FWIW: you’re asking yourself a very important question and if you truly don’t feel up to the challenge & realities of being caregiver or it’s just not something you are interested in doing then your options are to keep the relationship as it is right now or to move on and look for someone else.
Good luck and this most likely won’t be a one time conversation but a series of talks as your work through this w/ your man.
Source(s):
caregiver: been there, done that, had the nervous breakdown over it.
Hi there,
No, I have never been a caregiver. But, recently, my adult son 24, has a mental illness and just got an apt., he is usually homeless or stays wherever, couch surfing. The family has tried to help in the past and things get way out of hand. So, the past two weeks, maybe 3, I have everyday day, morning and night, give him his medication, now my son, could be totally different, he has paranoid schizophrenia, w/some delusions and severe anxiety. it has been a challenge these few weeks, now the difference here my son went off his meds. BAD BAD never let that happen, that’s where the trouble starts.
Have u ever seen her off her medication? do u know her diagnosis? Have u seen her medical info/file/notes re: past issues? What is the worst thing she has done? what is the worst thing the psychiatrist says could happen? many many factors to be concerned about. 24 hour job.
Find out what her diagnosis is, and look it up on the internet. get to know all the info. re: her illness. see what happens when someone is mentally ill and goes off their meds.
You need to find out all info. about this mental illness. u need to find out from him what your role would be if u and him ever got married or whatever, u need to also find out what he plans on doing for his sister so she can have a normal as can be life, (possibly a adult home for the mentally ill, so she can be with other people like her. can she ever live on her own? My son has an apt, he usually like i said is homeless, or evicted, due to not taking his meds and destroying the apts. So, there are case workers in organizations that can take over everything that he does for her. and he can have a completely normal life and still see his sister and talk to her everyday and have the peace, that she is well taken care of and he can live too. And u and him can be happily ever after.. I will tell u that the states systems, r really hard to work with and u have to be persistent and more persistent.
OH and by the way, working w/my adult son, my marriage, does take the back seat and YES, it has effected my marriage at many times in the last 10 years. So, marriage, well, there will be problems, not his fault, not her fault, just life happened that way. BUT, remember there are resources he can find and a caregiver full time and weekly/daily for her, he needs to check into this for her, and tell him he isn’t giving up on her, he isn’t getting rid of her, he will be helping her, to have a functional life as normal as normal can be.
mention this to him and i hope things work out, take care and best wishes.
OH, remember that it is ALWAYS TO LOOK AHEAD AND PREPARE THAN TO LOOK BACK AND REGRET……
IF U DON’T RISK ANYTHING, U RISK EVEN MORE
Source(s):
lifes trials and tribulations.
being a mother of an adult son with a mental illness
I’ve never been in your situation, per se, but my fiance has a disabled younger brother who lives with his mom. She isn’t old by any means, but its a known fact that when her time comes, the brother will become my fiances charge. This is something that I had to take into account before I took things further with him and we moved in together.
That being said – after talking with him about it, and how it would affect us/me (as I want to be a stay at home mom) if something were to happen to his mom and his brother moved in with us. It definitely helped to discuss it with him and see what his expectations of the situation were. If you talk with your guy, you might find that your worries wouldn’t be that big of an issue and he intends to still be the primary care taker.
There’s no problem with waiting to move in together until you are completely comfortable with the potential situation. Otherwise, if you do it too soon, (especially without talking it through with him a few times) it might cause issues and tension in your relationship that can easily tear you apart.
Hope this helps…