I am 24 and married for 3 yrs. My 15 year old sister, who lives in another state, came to visit me and her family (dad and relatives) this summer. She stayed with me the most of the time and overall we had a good time bonding, etc. She stayed with me because my dad goes back and forth between this state and another state, and when he comes here he stays with my grandma, whom he helps support. My sister also prefers to stay with me rather than grandma since my grandma is quite traditional and old-fashioned.
Anyways, my sister wants to come live with me since she is unhappy living with me mom. My mom is remarried and lives in a small town of about 10 people. I was also there this past summer and cut my trip short because I couldn’t handle staying there. My mom doesn’t have a living room anymore – it is taken over by birds and their cages, and she has 6 small dogs living in her house. When I first arrived for my visit, we went to our (other) sister’s wedding out of state, and my younger sister and I stayed a day longer in order to be there for the whole wedding and for me to take my husband back to the airport the next day. My mom didn’t even stay for the whole wedding, but left early “to feed her animals.” When we came back, my mom and her husband had already left to stay at a cabin for a few days. When they came back and my sister and I went to their house, I was really upset that she chose to go to a cabin rather than clean her house knowing I was visiting. I puked from the dog pooping the first 5 min of being there. In short, the house was pretty disgusting between the animals and the lack of attention paid to household chores. Being pregnant and sensitive to smells, I couldn’t bare to stay there, and all of the bird dander made it hard to breathe. I stayed at my grandparents (mom’s parents) most of the time.
In addition to the less than accommodating housing, my mom’s husband has some major issues. He is a closet alcoholic, meaning he will sit in his car after work and drink to hide it from my mother, usually on a daily basis. I have seen him get literally pass out drunk on Xmas before dinner. I have tried really hard to like him and defend him when my sisters complain about him, but after my last visit, I saw some of his true colors come out.
My 15 yr old sister says that he is very controlling of both her and my mother, and he has put a wedge in her and my mom’s relationship with each other. My sister complains that she has no life because she is constantly in trouble for having an attitude, usually for not wanting to clean an overwhelming mess. When I was there, my sister did have an attitude and didn’t care if she was being reprimanded-she sat in her room most of the time, which I believe is unhealthy. I tried to clean to help out, but after spending the whole day cleaning just the kitchen and getting a backache, I gave up. I have seen how my mom handles things, and when we were fighting, she screams at the top of her lungs. That really irritates me since in my household my husband and I never yell at each other, even when we are arguing. I feel like she provokes my sister to have an attitude with her because of how she handles her when she doesn’t want to do something. Here, she doesn’t really have an attitude and I think it is because I have a different way of going about things, plus it isn’t out of control with animals. When I was there I noticed that my mom sat in her room, my sister in her room, and me in my brother or sister’s room. My mom has no couch or tv in the living room, as it has been taken over. They are all isolated from one another and don’t really have a normal family atmosphere.
Overall, I think it would be a positive move for my sister. I think we have a more stable, healthy environment. We have talked to my mom about it, and at first she told her whatever makes her happy, but then she changed her mind. I think it is important for my sister to get to know her family out here since she has been gone for 8 years. My mom says she hates our family for what they have done to her and doesn’t care if my sister to get to know them – dad included. So I told my sister unless my mom agreed to let her stay with me, I want her to go back. My sister insists that she doesn’t want to go back and that I can’t make her get on the plane. She also is willing to go stay with my dad/grandma (my sister and grandma would drive each other nuts though) in order to stay here, and since neither parent has permanent custodial rights, I don’t see what the authorities can do. She really wants to live with me though, and until my mom threatened to call the cops on me, I welcomed that idea. I have backed off because I don’t want to totally ruin my relationship with my mom (she said already she will never trust me again) and I don’t want to get charged with kidnapping. She is supposed to leave in a week
Update:
Also, to give you some perspective on why I feel entitled to an opinion in my sister’s life, until my mom got remarried a couple years ago, she also had problems with alcohol and drugs and was in the bars on a nightly basis, leaving my sister home alone all night. We would beg her to stay home, and she wouldn’t care. Before I left to come back to live with my dad, I partied like crazy and couldn’t even keep a job. Since I have moved back here, I have gotten married, kept jobs long-term (I quit last year to finish school), finished my college degree, am working on my MA. I am pregnant with baby #1 and could also use the company since my husband works and goes to school most of the day, in addition to being gone 1 weekend a month to drill with the reserves. Also, my younger brother lives with my grandparents due to my mom and her husband’s work schedules that are incompatible with school hours. I don’t see why she is so oppositional to this idea, especially since we told her if she wants
Update 2:
it would only be for this year so she can change her environment and hopefully become a happier person. I think it is more about wanting to be in control and not “let my dad win.”
(sorry for this addition, got cut off )
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✅ Answers
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I usually leave long, detailed answers. But in this case, I think the right thing to do is very clear. Your sister obviously respects you. You would be a great role model for her because you sound sensible, kind, and caring. Please don’t make her go back to her mother’s.
It won’t be easy for you. I’m sure that your sister has picked up some bad habits while living at your mother’s and even teens raised in normal households can be difficult. Lay down some very clear ground-rules right now, so you get off to the right start and teach your sister good habits.
Call CPS and ask how you can avoid trouble with your mother, but I agree–I think it is unlikely anyone would try to force a 15-year old to live somewhere if she makes it clear she will simply run away again. Make sure to report the conditions at the house. Good luck.
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I think that your mother’s house sounds very unhealthy–even without the alcohol/drugs. Your sister deserves a chance at a happy childhood and a good start in life. You sound like the right person to set an example for her. She should be focusing on school right now, rather than problems at home. If you can provide a stable home for her while she finishes school, you will be doing a great thing.
Your mother sounds like many selfish, dysfunctional parents… She wants kids, but she isn’t willing to do what it takes to raise them properly. I would not worry about offending your mother for one second. Your sister’s welfare is much more important than your mother’s feelings. If your sister continues living with her mother, I just don’t see how she could get off to a good start in life.
OK your sister is having a tough time but she is behaving like a spoilt brat. Time to get firm with her – she has to shape up or ship out. You are being too soft. When you make threats follow through i.e. she leaves stuff on the table, she has 15 minutes after you ask her to clear it up to do so otherwise its in the bin – and that applies to anything left out anywhere. Tell her you are sorry but she cannot live with you as you simply do not have the room – maybe if she was willing to co-operate you could move to somewhere bigger so she could live with you but right now why would you even want to do that. Do not respond to any of her texts – unlucky if she wants to change her clothes, she needs to keep them somewhere she can get them. Have zero tolerance of anything in your home which creates a potential hazard for your son – she leaves the staighteners on she loses them. Don’t be bullied by a stroppy kid and don’t be manipulated by her either.
You actually could probably get your dad to testify for rights at 14 children are generally allowed to chose who they live with so if your dad testifies he can probably get custody rather easy and let your sister live with you. Worse case you could say that its an unhealthy environment because of your moms husbands drinking problem. If you have your dad try to testify you could probably avoid ruining your relationship with your mom though. Im not sure what state your in but most laws a pretty similiar hope it helped
call child protective services to see what you can do in your sisters and your local town.
she can get in trouble for having a filthy home with a minor living in it.
i think your sister will be better there with you.
do it asap, and make her chose, either the pets and her alcoholic husband or her own flesh and bone, her daughter.
i’m serious.