Hi there. I asked a question with this a few days ago, but I’ve edited it a bit and changed some things around, so I’d like your opinions;
The smell of their saccharine blood flowing through their every vein, the staggering bumps of their beating hearts, the rich color that swept to their faces was all too much. A craving for every one of them ached deep in my chest.
The hunger churned in my stomach and made me bite down on my own lip, spilling blood into my mouth. Humans were like ants, pests among earth, what would it hurt if one went missing?
Searching for a succulent mortal, I sauntered onto the sidewalk. Since I was nocturnal, it was going to be difficult finding that many humans out at night. As I began my hunt, I inhaled violently so that their delightful scents over-whelmed me.
I tried to evaluate each human all over, but I couldn’t keep my gaze from their necks. One young woman’s in particular caught my attention. Thinking about all of that blood stream from something so fragile sent shudders of pleasure through me. When I glanced back at her face, her nose was shriveled in a scowl. She had noticed my observation and quickened her pace. I gave the woman a devious grin, making sure that she got a glimpse of my fangs. Since I had always fancied humans, teasing them could be just as fun as feeding off of them. They were just so delicate.
At that moment, I stopped dead in my tracks. The one. He was standing right in front of me. Straight away, I knew that I had found the most perfect out of all the imperfects who skulked around at night. He looked delicious. To make sure that this was the one I wanted, I gave him a once over.
The boy’s sandy blonde hair arched around his face, making it act like a mane. My mouth almost began to water when I saw his neck. It was tantalizingly wide, my own slab of meat on a platter. Greed washed over me as his green eyes shimmered like emeralds when they met mine. Since he had willingly made eye-contact, I felt obliged to take him.
The uncomfortable tingle in my eyes returned, it always did when I used my allure. Instantly, he seemed enthralled. His body went rigid and his expression was fixated on me. That always made me beam, knowing that someone was so absorbed by me.
What do you think? Sorry if some things don’t make sense, it’s pretty late here. If you find any mistakes, let me know <:). Suggestions are welcome and opinions are greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
~Nicole.xx
Update:
Please no Twilight comments. Stephanie Meyer did not create Vampires, and she most certainly doesn’t own them. You’ll save yourself a massive rant from me if you just don’t mention it.
✅ Answers
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There is a lot of description and as the reader I’m still not sure whether this Vampire likes or disdains humans. I think that the ritual of feeding needs to give the reader a distinct impression. It should help your reader to get into the head of the vampire, not just be pretty prose. This is incredibly poetic but it doesn’t bring me any closer to knowing this character or the victim. I ‘see’ them but I’m not there with them. I’m watching a picture versus being in the movie. As a writer you want to lure your reader in.
You want the reader to be more than a casual observer, you want to get them invested in the story. Right now I could be that woman in the crowd who is hurrying away wondering if I saw a flash of fangs as opposed to the Vampire or the victim or someone else closely watching their exchange.
D) Acceptable because if the hitting had been more at times this season then the Braves would have a better record. The GM Frank Wren fixed last years problem by adding some pitching. Then this year the hitting has not been there at times when the Braves need it. BQ- I think the Braves will be better next season. The pitching is going to come back still in tact. The hitting will hopefully be better because hopefully the GM Frank Wren will address some of these issues.
Amazing. Very, very well written and articulate work. I would really enjoy reading something like that. Keep up the great work!!
Source(s): Cheers 🙂
This didn’t suck…at all… But this wasn’t good.. It was OKAY… And that is good! it was alittle above my standards of Okay…
it has a lot of description i’ll give you that… You should be carefull with that ability. Sometimes is can be a joy to your readers and sometimes it can be BORING!!!
I think you should change “mortals” to a name more worthy of prey, or food. But sounds pretty good, interesting as well.
Source(s): ~ Z
i think its really cool so far … but just one thing i think you should go with a different type of monster because the vampire as been done. a werewolf would work
oh….my…god…
THAT WAS AMAZING!!! IT WAS NOTHING LIKE TWILIGHT! I LOVED IT! Plz plz plz plz plz write more i was absorbed in the story i wouldnt have noticed if my house blew up! plz send me more! it was awesome!!!!!
its great!
sounds intresting… i like it, very discriptive. good luck 🙂
thanks answering mine! 🙂