Would you mind reading the first chapter of the story I’m hoping to publish?

Me and my friend have been writing a thriller/horror/romance novel. We’re getting along great with it, and I’d like to see if we can get some feedback on it. Can you read the first chapter and tell us what you think? points to the best reviewer?

Please be brutally honest, btw 😀 we want to know honest opinions!

heres the link:


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  • Honestly? This seems more like the first part of a novel not a first chapter. I’m guessing this is your first attempt, and for that it’s pretty good. But there will obviously be a lot of revisions right? Okay here’s my critiques: first, you constantly switch between past and present tense, a typical first timer mistake but it can be very annoying, pay attention when you reread it, do you want the characters to be recounting events that already happened or do you want them in the here and the now? Because they can’t seem to catch a break in one. Second, there’s a pretty common technique among writers called “show don’t tell”. Your characters are constantly stating the obvious. I mean come on “Didn’t she know i loved her” (or at least the line went something like that). Take away all they mystery, all the character’s feelings displayed at once, and your reader grows bored. Instead you might want to say that he inched closer and reassured her or something, hinting at love, and then maybe deliver it with more of a hinting, perhaps how he’d act if he were her boyfriend or comments about a better man for her while subtly describing himself. Let their actions show how they feel not just their internal and external dialogue. I mean give the audience credit, I’m sure they can figure out these two are best friends and we don’t need all the information at once, give it out little by little. Seriously, within the first few lines I knew Tommy’s entire personality, because he TOLD me, no surprises and he’s now become a cliche.

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    You have a decent basis, you just need to learn how to write a novel. When I was ten I bought this beginners book that’s good no matter how long you’ve been writing, a nice easy basics book on some writing secrets and elements (since obviously novels don’t have actual guidelines, the advice is simply to help you make what you write tasteful and worth reading). It was called Your First Novel: A Published Author and a Top Agent Share the Keys to Achieving Your Dream, it was really worth the read, I still read it, and the show don’t tell thing is in there.

    Good luck girls! (is it sexist to assume you’re girls from the story’s topic?)

    Source(s): Been writing…forever???? Just started my…fifth serious novel??? Another lesson: keep count of things…

  • i’m guessing which you’re youthful, interior the age selection of Leslie, suitable? If this is real, then i think of which you have confident skill as a author! Your tale held my interest and inspired my pastime in what could carry on with interior the plot. As you have reported, it desires correcting of spelling and grammar errors, yet those can come later. Writing demands a lot rewriting and modifying. i could inspire you to proceed with the story; do you already know the place you should take it, what the climax would be? as quickly as I study, being a realist, i seek for incongruencies interior the plot, and that i grow to be stricken with the aid of the fact of Leslie’s dad and mom leaving her on my own for months on end jointly as they traveled of their artwork; she is, regardless of each thing, purely a teenager? i think of that it could be greater sensible in the event that they took occasional business employer journeys the place she could be left for an afternoon or or a weekend. of direction, your tale could be a fantasy, yet I even have written fantasy novels, and, even regardless of the undeniable fact that they are of course that, I endeavored additionally to lead them to realistically plausible concurrently. i think of that even fantasies require a foundation in realism as a fashion to resonate with skill reader. With sprucing, i’ve got faith specific, you have a universal financial disaster which will capture the attention at last of somebody interested in making an investment in it. i desire that my advice is beneficial and desire you fulfillment on your writing.

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