The cool evening sun plucks the long string
where fading green and blue gray join
The light gray of night moves slowly in
as though standing still
Silence shackles the moment
caressing the emptiness I feel
For you did not come
and I feel the weight of my head,
as it bends towards earth
Minutes become years
as I sense each delicate flower tumble
from my hand
covering the soft grass with fragrant red
Reasons rush like waves to a barren shore
drowning each grain of understanding
in my mind
I clasp my chest trying to suffocate
the crashing sound
Now welling up in my heart
Knowing this is the end I walk away in silence
as the night chills
Remembering things that penetrate the dark
covering my retreat from a tomorrow
that will never come
Wandering into the darkness I disappear
into a world of loneliness
✅ Answers
? Favorite Answer
Oh, it certainly does!
Engaged by the beauty of your opening lines
I slowly felt my way through this void-to-be Fredric.
Oh, my..such sensitivity here so achingly communicated.
I hesitate to seem to tamper
with work so scented with solitude yet…..
please do not be offended…
the originality of the poem in its` entirety
might be maintained (imho Only)
should you alter just the one word in the last line,
from `into` to `within` , for, `disappear into` seems (to me) too over-used
for this unique poem.
TY..wish you well.
x
It has got an emotional impact. The use of simile and metaphors is really good. The aura of pain and loneliness resonates from the poem which is quite an accomplishment for you as a poet.
Yes it does have just like your other poems. You write from the heart and so your poems softly sit on our heart. This poem is not well structured like your other works but I understand in a prose image and feelings are important, not the structure. so you’ve done another magnificent job.
Yes…emotional impact, and some.
An elegant and very visual poem that immediately
attacks and releases so much emotion, flowing like
uncontrollable tears…
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i think of it extremely is sweet, yet i think of you push too puzzling to maintain the rhyme scheme and form each and all the time. suggestions do no longer ought to start and lead to the comparable line, and that i attempted revising it with that throughout suggestions, besides the indisputable fact that it extremely is a sprint clumsy.: Reflections i’ve got considered initiate and fail– tossing stones in an ocean I see pictures in water are puzzling to administration. it extremely is the passing of existence previously your eyes. Quietly, non violent whilst listening to birds sing thinking of as quickly as I ran to exhibit screen them bounce. The melted snow makes rivers now– I climb mountains with coated snow not greater, and much less sail with the northern whales On ocean huge, windblown hair kissing my pores and skin. I now stand on shore and watch the rolling tide because of the fact the years paint my face a weathered gray, Confronting my mortality on my own and with quiet confirm, I toss each and each stone
It sure does. I like “Silence shackles the moment” and “Reasons rush” as alliteration. I think I would like to know a more specific kind of flower that is referred to; red might mean roses or it might not.
Yikes! I should say so, Frederic!
MUCH impact! Well done.
Now I want to know why she didn’t come……
I especially liked:
I clasp my chest trying to suffocate
the crashing sound
Now welling up in my heart
Oh so sad. You have captured the feeling of rejection, the pain of lost hope- tears.
Call me cold-hearted since i don’t feel any emotional impact.
Yes, it has emotional impact. A bit of a self-pitying whine though.
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